Diary

2003-06-25T12:31:00.001-07:00

*talking to self*
hmmm...wow that is really cool..
- 4:14pm

2003-06-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

i AM lonely now through...i wish i had someone to keep me company. every now & then i remember i'm alone. i can't even log onto that YANA chat room cause i forgot my password. sucks..

2003-01-17T07:02:00.000-08:00

rant
i am so fuckin sick of everything.

MJStar are so f*ckin pathetic. no one bought your shit in the beginning & no one does now either..just shut the fuck up.

everyone's heard Xscape cept for me..dont' know why ppl are makin such a big freakin deal bout it though, "OMG a MJ song was leaked, the world is gonna end AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" please ppl breath alittle of the real world *breathes in* *coughs & hacks* hmm..remind me to never do that again. No one cares bout his music anymore. Even if he does sell alot of records no one's gonna give praise him or admit he's doing well for a 40something superstar who's been working his ass off since he was outta diapers. No one cares cept us stupid fans...what difference does it make.

little mad i missed out on the chance to download it..that ALWAYS seems to happen. but the time will come.

i can't understand this goddamn php crap...makes me so mad, i'm so goddamn stupid.

btw, Chandler, don't take this very meanly, but if you make ONE more 'badspelling' or 'barn' crack, i'll rip your arms out..k? lol

getting back to stupid mj fans...the KOP board.
what are the worse kinda of posters at KOP?
- wanna-be-insiders
- Bitchers (complain bout everything mj does)
- Bitchers #2 (complain bout everything mj FANS do..ya know kinda like me, but more in your face, pay attention to me-ish)
- Puppetmasters (wanna talk like they control every part of mj's life..those who start threads like "Should MJ be friends with Chris Turker?" or *sad posticon* "MJ, What were you THINKING?!?" or "I have a plan!")
- Tabloid-Burners (or those who feel the entire world is against THEM & Michael Jackson..these would also be the same posters who whine about how ppl can be so CRUEL to mj, before ripping into celebs who've dared to say something negative about Michael.)
- INeedAttentioners (those who start out all their posts with CAPTIAL letters & perhaps a "OMG" or "READ THIS OR DIE!" usually, if not always, their topics are about such major events as hearing a MJ song on the radio or noticing something quite obvoius they feel they should share with the group ("OMG, did you ever notice in the video In The Closet, that she touches his butt?!? OMG!!!")
- Homeless Posters (those who live on the board & post a reply to every thread. Usually their post count is over 3000...even higher if they've been there for more then a year.)

well, i feel alittle better now..made more ememies, but that's the price you gotta pay for expressing yourself.
- 9:49pm

2003-01-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

brain is broken...more so then usual

i took a walk yesturday..granted it was freezing out, but it's something i haven't done in awhile..even tried to take some pics..didn't find much interesting subject matter though..& even when i tried to take a picture of that repaired mail box that i hit before, the stupid camera wasn't working! then i looked at the house & low & behold, there was a face staring out of the window out at me!!! LOL Now i don't know if that person stares out the window all day or if she/he (i think it was a she..or a kid) saw me, the crazy person out walking/jogging in freakin january, and just had to stare..don't know..interesting though.

my parents actually DID win money down in west virginia..$250 freakin dollars! good amount of money, but not enough to directly effect me, so that's all i'll say bout it..

please letme learn php soon..whatever the hell that is anyways..i wonder if it's possibe to simply have aliens eject me with the knowledge of advanced website-making skills, but NO i actually have to learn it..bummer..presently i like how clarissa *plug* has her site..i wish i knew how to do that kind of code for my mj site..i don't know HOW it works..

my space (room) is still a mess & i have no desire to clean it..sure i'd LIKE it to be neat, but i don't wanna work..i don't wanna do anything. nothing...nothing at all.....................
- 6:03pm

2003-01-12T07:05:00.000-08:00

flabby

it's kinda sad that this is day 2 of unemployment, and already i've switched into 'Lazy-do-nothing' mode. I SHOULD be out there getting more applications, but i'm not..well i am gonna get some more groceries later on. (i'm outta diet soda, sugary-stuff, skim milk & fish food) I COULD pick up applications then..if i went to that store that's more far away..but i'm not gonna...YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!

parents have pretty much cooled down by down..thank god. well my mom's on my side anyways & she says worse comes to worse, i can always come back to the motel, cleaning rooms...which ain't too bad of an option, now that i look at it..i mean it's less hours & less dealing with ppl, except i have do deal with chemicals & germs alot.

speakin of those ppl..guess what they're doing today? going back down to west virginia to gamble...good god, they went less then two week's ago & now they're going down AGAIN..they are seriously addicted. But neverless, i wished them luck, my mom asked for one of my old silver dollars (i used to collect coins when i was younger) to take down, i held the 1879 coin & imagined everyone happy cause they've won a couple of hundred dollars...you never know.

back to jobs, i STILL think i might get that job at the drug store..i don't know..i just have that feeling, maybe that's why i don't wanna put out anymore applications. The last time i needed a job, after interviewing for day care, the walmart application was the first one i put in..and we all know what happened after that...*crash of lighting*..soon i'll try to get an application at this blockbuster store near my mom's work...i still think i'd like to work at video store, if nothing else, to be around movies all day..

my life is quite boring..
- 9:523am

2003-01-10T20:16:00.000-08:00

Nice; Murder

i'm doing pretty good in updating..atleast in this section. it's just as i'm reading other ppl's diary entries, i'm reminding of things on my mind that i wanted to get out.

you know what my co-workers do to me all the time? this is truely strange for me..They would say "Hi Sara." when they'd pass me in the store or saw me in break room..they were nice to me...imagine that, i could hardly say a word, but they still were nice to me..weird. i feel bad i wasn't able to say goodbye, wasn't even able to say "Yeah, this is my last day working in here, and you probably won't see me for a good long time, atleast til i have another job, my car is fixed & i have enough cash to buy some discounted crap with.." it feels weird, the notion that they may miss me or notice that i'm gone, but they usually do..That one nice old lady worker..Fran? i can't get their names right, today, she even asked if i got it home alright after driving in that bad weather. why are they so nice? don't understand it..

Another thing i feel bad about is...i dont' even know most of their names! LOL..that's sad, but that's how i am..my memory sucks, as well as my vison, so i can't even make out what it says on their name tags.

poor little kittens in the bottles...
the world works in strange ways indeed...honestly i can't understand how we can have some great mercy-full God up there that created us & expected us to kill & eat each other to survive..doesn't make much sense to me.

My sister once got this Peta magazine...freakin funny stuff..i mean i hate seeing animals hurt & all, but THESE ppl are f*ckin nuts..just they butt into EVERYONE'S business, tellin them what to do..kinda like a religion or something..cult more like it.."religion, cult, cult, religion.".i believe the wise Bart Simpson to have been the source of that quote. I forgot most of the stuff i found funny in it, except for a page in the back that just showed a Slaughter shop with some dude just hanging out, in the picture, looking all casual like one of Leatherface's realitives or somethin.

At times i feel kinda guilty bout eating animals..but then i remember..they taste so GOOD..plus Animals get to eat other animals..why can't we? What we too GOOD for that? I suppose that's how some veggie-ppl (i can't spell the proper term, you figure out, you ain't as dumb as i) must feel. But the main problem is we, as humans, NEED protein...which mostly comes from animals. And we have these sharp teeth, we were build to eat animals. sad as it sounds..

Not to say, i'm telling veggie-ppl to do that same..heck, more power to you if you can get through life like that. But those 'know-it-all's who come up to meat-eaters & start bitching..
it's the same deal with Pro-Life ppl..
all & all, it how depends on how you view life & death...for some, animals dying for food is murder. For others, to kill a small, tiny-itty-bitty-cells that someday will grow into a tiny baby, counts as murder. Murder is wrong..duh..but some ppl don't have those same views. confusing...quite confusing.

but we can all agree that stuffing little kittens into bottles is wrong right? it ain't for food..for god's sake, you're making them suffer just for cheap souvenirs!!!!

i've done enough thinking for tonight..*ouch*
- 11:04pm

2003-01-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

kill the bunnies, save the kittens

i'm just using that title sarcasticly..in light of the contast between my last entry & this one. the food chain is quite horrible at times, but there is a difference between animal instincts & animal cruelity.

i got this email just alittle bit ago, i REALLY wanna help put an end to what's going on here, but atlast, i don't really have any friends (or ppl's emails saved to forward to) so if you wanna add your name, just email me i'll send you the complete message along with the list of names.(see, i don't wanna publish my full name here for all to see...but if you wanna help with this, i think i can trust you)

PLEASE PUT YOUR NAME DOWN FOR THE SAKE OF THE BABY KITTENS!

DO NOT DELETE THIS E-MAIL TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS
AS IT IS FOR AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT CAUSE!!!!

A site that we were able to shut last year has returned. We have to try to shut it down again! A Japanese man in New York breeds and sells kittens that are called BONSAI CATS. That would sound cute, if it weren't kittens that were put in to little bottles after being given a muscle relaxant to shape their bones into abnormal positions. They are locked up for weeks on end without the opertunity to move a muscle. This is cruelty to animals. The cats are fed through a straw and have a small tube so they can breathe. Their anus is then blocked up with super glue. The skeleton of the cat will take on the form of the bottle as the kitten
grows. The cats never get the opportunity to move. They are used as original and exclusive souvenirs. These are the latest trends in New York, China, Indonesia and New Zealand .

If you think you can handle it, view http://www.bonsaikitten.com/ and have a look at the methods being used to put these little kittens into bottles.
This petition needs 500 names, so please put your one name on it!!! Copy the text into a new email and put your name on the bottom, then send it to everyone you know. If you notice that there are 500 names on the list, please send it
to: anacheca@hotmail.com

If you delete this e-mail you honestly don't have a heart. Please to show your support put your name down. We need as many names as possible!

10:39pm

2003-01-10T16:24:00.000-08:00

still strange

more of those ever-so-fun & time killing online tests

Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You? Take the test here

Which Character from Rocko's Modern Life are You? Take the test here

well it's over..that chapter of my life is over..i have no clue what lies ahead, but atleast now i get some time off..
to do list:
- work on scream4mj.com site, put it together & have it ready & organised for uploading once i get another job
- oh yeah..GET another job..
- clean up & organise room
- get the PH balance of my fish to a healthy level & clean it out
- organise stuff i have recorded on tapes.
little tired now..

probably should mention what happened this morning through, when i was going up to my car, to drive to work, i look on the ground, here's this bunny rabbit with his head tore off! LOL (sorry for laughing)..it's stomach was hanging out of the hole & basically the top half of the head was left. My mom told me that Jason (my cute little gray kitty who's secretly a blood-thisty-killer in disguise) had killed it last night. Too bad i didn't have time to take a picture..would have made a GREAT shot...but he tore it up & ate it more today, so it's gone.
- 7:12pm

2003-01-09T17:55:00.000-08:00

Kevin Smith

rented & watched clerks animated series today, F*CKIN great & funny! must say..cause only 6 episodes were made..only bout 2 were aired & basically every critic trashed it. So i really expect it to be that good, but wanted to see it anyways & was REALLY impressed..so my advice to you is..if you're a fan of animated sitcoms (read: simpsons, king of the hill, ect) get out to the video store & rent the one!

havent' done tests in awhile i know..

Which Kevin Smith Movie Are You?
test created by jennablue
8:43pm

2003-01-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

strange

it's been so strange lately..
well it's now my 4th day off from work, it was only suppose to be 3 days, but on Tuesday(?) it was so icey outside with the roads, my (NICE!) mom told me to call off..good ole mom. But now it's day 4..back to work tomorrow, but then..that's my last day..can you believe that? i can't..seriously can't..doesn't feel like it..just like on my last day of school, it still didn't hit me..hmm..
but in these last 3 days..well i have got SOME things done..cleaned up alittle, did the computer thing, & got most of the programs back in..strange...today i just feel like taking it easy..sorry i do.
i don't feel so bad as i did before, guilty yes, because i'm not gonna be working for a week or more. very guilty, yesturday i thought of a new nickname for myself: "the bad daughter"...lisa's the good daughter, i'm the bad..simple as that.
I just wanna relax now through...relax, watch movies, excape. renting movies is one main luxery i've allowed myself at this time.

At the end of feburary, my car's inspection runs out...meaning i need to get it fixed or (less likely) traded in & buy a different one. That's the main problem..just cause of me not having a job now, although i do still have over $700...& my next paycheck should have a week's pay on it..PLUS..my mom told me bout this, i may get some of income tax money...not sure bout all that tax-junk..but if it means MO' money (sorry, couldn't help doing that :-b), it's all good...("all good"?...stop talkin like that you stupid white trash hick girl!)

Well...anyways. I have a good feeling but the drug store job...I turned in an application for it today & noticed there was a "help wanted" sign in the store..(didn't see that last time i was there) *good sign*...
it's nice out now...snows mostly all melted..warm too..spring might be coming. i'll look forward to it.

links of the day:
~GOTH SIMS~ Gothic add-ons for The Sims
Amy Brown Art (i'm not much into art, but some of her work was featured at Sim download sites & i think it's really good)
12:34am (or pm? 34 minutes after noon anyways..)

2003-01-08T07:47:00.000-08:00

talkies

looking back at old entries, i think it must look pretty bad, the fact i can't make one paragraph without errors. just sad..

i'm worried now..cause i only have day of work left & after that time, (once my dad finds out i'm truely 'out of work' again) i'm just gonna be dead...i wish i could enjoy this time, but i can't..

anyways, my NICE webhost (just the fact they my site hasn't been down & that they write back to me after i ask question) finally send me my control panel & ftp info. so here, for all wondering, is how i sound..well how the microphone makes me sound anyways:
hey, i really DON'T!
me as Jason
my fav line from emperor's new groove

think that's the first time i did something orginal round here...
in other news, i keep failing to download paintshop pro...i've downloaded version 3 (which SUCKS..i want version 7!!) so a look for the site will just have to wait for awhile...blah...
get to work, sara & stop procastinatng..
- 10:35am

2003-01-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

supercool

i'm just kinda happy now.
me webcam is finally working once again! :-) once more i can record sounds from the microphone! (i haven't been able to do that in ages) meaning, you, my loyal vistors...both of you, will see how stupid i my speakin voice is.

oh yeah & i just looked n vega finally updated (i use the word finally when she hasn't updated in over 48 hours) her diary with some big-ass survey :-)
7:44pm

2003-01-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

oh so THAT'S what i did wrong..

well i DID get back online..so atleast there's that. one thing i DID forget about was saving the addresses to sites i often visited
& info for logging into my website's account..or my web site's HOST address..among other things..
also i have no email saved..(no big lose, except for those dealing with my sites)
i guess i'll get it cleared up tonight..er i HOPE anyways..

it's interesting having the computer back the way it was when i first got it..*nostigic* i kinda like it..it's not me, but it's neat & clean. nice..kinda like staying in a motel on a vacation, although you're always thankful to get back home to a place that looks, feels, smells like yourself..
i feel so lost without my bookmarked sites..
6:00pm

2003-01-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

out with the old, in with the new

i spend most of this morning, burning off most of my computer files onto disks, after i FINALLY located my computer's recovery disk..now in just a minute or two, i'll have this thing back to the way it was when i first got it :-) (and the last time i did...). basically i'm just tellin you this, incase i screw things up & can't get back online..hey i've done this once before!

i'm hoping after i reinstall everything, the computer will work better...
today's gone so fast...
2:27pm

2003-01-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

IQ test

i took one of these AGES ago, back when i first got online...can't remember the score, it was something over hundred through (& even with that, i didn't know what it meant

so, after reading bout this stuff on demerol, and on the kop board (where i am STILL banned..but i can read threads if i have the direct link to it) i got around to taking one.

& as weird as this world is...i did pretty good..considering i didn't understand most of the questions, remember how many ounces in a pound & i forgot to time myself like i was suppose to do (all i know was i took less then 13 minutes, so when they asked me for my time, instead of leaving it blank, which give me the incorrect time of 13 minutes, i just put in 11)

here's the score i got: 124
here's the ranting of the scores:

Average: 85 - 115
Above average: 116 - 125
Gifted Borderline Genius: 126 - 135
Highly gifted and appearing to be a Genius to most others: 136 - 145
Genius: 146 - 165
High Genius: 166 - 180
Highest Genius: 181 - 200
Beyond being measurable Genius: Over 200

not bad for a dumbass,
i need to get some work done for today now i guess..
- 10:08am

2003-01-06T17:27:00.000-08:00

~~~~(____)~~~/I~~~~

that's a shark after a boat btw..
i'm gonna be 'good' & start on a new (but temporary probably) look for this site, so here's just a pic & quote for you miserable little day:

quote:
"Face it kid, Trumpy never loved you."
- Tom Servo
Pod People, MST3K

picture:

be back later...
- 8:15pm

2003-01-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

someone PLEASE give me that radium image code thingy...i wanna use it on this piece-of-crap-site's new look.

2003-01-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

runaway...Zzzzzzzz...

*listening to mp3 of songs from the little mermaid*
life is bad..not as bad as i could be through..*crash of lighting* (well not really, it ain't raining now, it's snowing..but for effect)

mr bug was in my betta's bowl again (forgot what i named that betta in the bowl..ain't that bad? the one in the tank is Smooth Criminal I beleive..the one in the bowl is..i forget..something relating to Michael Jackson through, i always name the bettas something relating to him. any other pets/fish i usually don't.

anyways 'Mr Bug' is actually a black & red bug..don't ask what kinda bug it is, i don't know junk like that..actually Mr Bug is more then one bug anyways..anytime i see one of those black & red bugs crawling around it's just "Mr Bug" to me..but THIS mr bug got into Moonwalker's (i think that's his name..) bowl for the second day in the roll..fortunely i saved him again. :-)
i told him if he really wants to commit sucide he should stand under my foot or something..

i'm tired...really tired. n kinda lonely too..
it's nice having Jason in whenever i get home through..i come up to my room & there he is. :-) cause ever since his mom died, MY mom lets him in my room fore i get home & he spends the night. (mom's nice :-) dad's mean >:-( that's our lession for today)
i love my kitty so SO much...Missy...i feel bad for Missy...i feel bad i couldn't be around when she was dying, that she had to do it all alone. And that her body is still out there somewhere...in the end she was very sickly through, i knew she needed to go..
Jason is alcourse (if i haven't explained it yet, i'm sure i have) named after Jason Voorhess, killer from the friday the 13th movies.
If I ever get a little dog or something, i think i'll name it Leatherface (or Bubba, the Leatherface character's real name, as a nickname)...or Angela if it's a girl.

did i mention i'm tired? i don't make too much sense when i'm like this....nor do i when i'm awake, but that'd decides the point.
tired...get up, get ready for work, go to work, come home from work, feel bad, get online, watch movies/tv, get online, go to bed
that's my life folks, this is your final chance to run screaming for it...ready, set, go.

Last & least i should mention i got a nice comment today. :-) (which calls for another smilely face)
as i was working, this lady behind me who was stocking the cigarette shelves asked me:
"Do you work out?"
me: *suprised* "Uhh..used to..why?"
my memory of the exact dialog ends here, but basically she told me that a male customer commented on me. he was amazed how I lifted a 50 lb bag of birdseed, ran it over the scanner, and then placed it back in the cart. just the fact that i did that when i'm pretty tiny (well height-wise anyways)
can't remember which customer THAT was, but i do like doing that. i like lifting heavy stuff, cause i CAN..i'm strong damnit..strong for a girl barely over 5ft tall anyways. decides i have to lift bags of dogfood, birdseed, ice-melters & big steroes, tvs, vacumes, ect all day. so i SHOULD be strong by now..
just wanted to mention that...made me feel alittle proud. that's probabaly all i can do well...well THAT & i can do this trick with my arms..maybe i can show you someday..
*get so sleep soon sara, your talking to yourself in the 3rd person*
- 9:48am

2003-01-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

because everything i do is bad

it's happening more & more often.

well here's how today was:
jason woke me up bout 7am (which was good cause i was suppose to be up at around 6:30am, but i forget to set my alarm, good kitty!) with meows to go out.
got online alittle, then got ready while watching one of my mst3k tapes.
got to work
little later customers & employers are talking bout it snowing outsite...great..
i was thinking bout calling my parents to pick me up (since i haven't drove in snow much) but it didn't seem like too much snow.
But when it came time to go home, my dad was outsite, cleaning my car off..ain't that nice?
(don't get too nice to the old man, wait til the end of the story)
he said i was suppose to follow him home..or was it the other way around? i can't remember.

but after i got in my car & got ready to go, i couldn't find where he was parked! worse yet, i had to back up of the parking spot (keep in mind everything's very icey) but - long story short - i did manage to get home safely..which is kinda hard cause i DO live a good distance away from work & i WAS very afraid..shaking most of the time while driving but i told myself "You can do this.". i only slid just ALITTLE on the highways & on when i first got on the backroads (cause the backroads are basically just covered with snow) but i did manage to get home safely. :-)
so then i was kinda proud of myself. my mom was relieved that i got home safe & everything seemed fine.
except then dad came home..
First he was complaining cause i didn't follow him home (course like i told you & him, i didnt' know where he was parked..plus i was looking for his truck, not my mom's car which he was driving & which i didn't know) next saying i was driving in the passing lane. (now i know at certain times i couldn't see the road very clearly & i went into that lane but after awhile i would get in the right-side lane & there were only a handful of cars on the road at different times, most which would be a far distance away from me) and that my car's inside light was on (which i always did, i didn't know it was 'wrong' as he now told me) it helped me see.

See, i got home safe..i haven't driven in snow much, i have to drive a long distant too & from work..but does that matter? HELL NO! no, cause i'm ALWAYS doing something WROGN!!!!!!

at first i just tried to ignore all his complaining..i was hungry, i wanted something to eat..but after awhile i couldn't take it & ran up to my room while he continued to yell at me. safely in my room, i cried alittle while swinging at the air.
now i'm back here...online.
tellin you my stupid little story, that in my words, will probably just make me look like a brat anyways..oh well, i've spelled my guts, do i feel any better? HELL no..

no matter...another day, more pain.
when the coast is clear, i can get something to eat & get back to watching my tapes.
intil then i'll be online alittle.
i hate you dad.
- 6:43pm

2003-01-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

like the time my butt got caught in the toaster..

heh-heh, sorry i didn't know what to make as my entry title so i chose one of my fav mystery science theater quotes.

what happened today...well during lunch i did go to this blockbuster store in gettisburg, it's GREAT! hell of alot better then that one closer to my house. lots of movies, i rented 3 mystery science theaters (Manos: Hands of Faith; Pod People & Cave Dwellers) tapes (most video stores NEVER have those) & Slumber Party Massacre 3 (no i've never seen any of the other slumber party movies, but you have to be thankful for what you can rent with cheap b-horror flicks with lots of T&A).

Before lunch i had the rudest prick of a customer. See, yesturday i discovered the credit/debit card machine at register 12 was broken, I told a CSM (customer service manager aka head cashier ppl) bout this, but she told me to stay at the register anyways, so i just made out a note:
"Sorry, machine broken
cashier can slide card as credit with no cash back"
& stuck it on the machine.
now really it isn't that big of a deal. Because I can slide ppl's cards on the register keyboard. But it can only be for credit, meaning they can use the card but can't get cash back. I was afraid at some point, someone would fail to see the sign & then become all pissed off at ME because they can't use the store as a freakin bank & i was right, cause the next day i was placed BACK on that register & here's what happened.

It was near the end of my 1st shift, i was going to go on lunch break soon, the store was VERY busy. So as i'm checking ppl out, another cashier comes up & tells me she's gonna be switching with me after i'm done with the next customer As i'm about to scan this guy's last item, he noticed the sign:
prick: "Oh, but I wanted to get cash back."
robot cashier (me): "I'm sorry Sir, the machine is broken, we do have a debit machine in the store for that through." (which we do)
prick: "But that machine charges me money!"
me: "I'm sorry Sir." (note: actually the banks charge ppl anytime they use 'debit' instead of 'credit on the machines at registers anyways..same difference)
*prick tries to rip anyway last item before i scan it, but i wanna get out of here & i scan it fore he gets the chance*
*he doesn't hand me his card, so i have to grab it outta his hand, just to get this purchase done with*
* i hand prick the credit slip & prescription slip*
*prick signs credit slip, leaving prescription slip blank*
me: "Sir, you have to sign that one too."
prick: "Why?"
me: "It's for the prescription."
prick: "Why do I have to to sign for the prescription?"
*Prick finally signs it, I say "Have a nice day." & hand him his receipt, which he rips outta my hand.*
at this point, i just lose it. but in a strange way, i just started laughing. softly, but just laughing alittle, mostly to that cashier who's bout to take my place, cause i can't believe how RUDE he's being..and how some ppl can be such jerks.

laughter is truely the best medicine..
although one of the slide effects of dealing with mean ppl is that i'll be shaking for a minute or two afterwards..i can't help it. i just have trouble dealing with ppl.

my dad was bitching again to me...well not 'yelling' bitching just "I'm your dad so listen to Me!" bitching..the one thing i HATE is how he keeps saying "There aren't any jobs available, you won't make any money anywhere else!" like walmarts is the only place in the world that is hiring..

still bitching bout walmarts...here's yet ANOTHER customer pet peeve..how they act like i'm asking for their first born child or something whenever i ask for ID when they write a check..jesus christ, look ppl, the freakin MACHINE ask me to punch in your stupid driver's licence number, not ME! hell i could care less if you stold someone's check book..

sorry, i just HATE ppl...i really do..just because i have to deal with over 200 ppl a day (that is a average number, the paper that comes outta the machine at the end of my shifts tells me the number of sells i've done each day)...a day..that's like one after another, i can't stress enough that i HATE ppl, hate, hate, hate. you don't realise how bad ppl are til they all treat you like crap because you're an employee..any other time, you're simply a stranger & they act nice because they don't want strangers thinking their mean, but workers dont' count..workers are just department store slaves..who cares what slaves think? hate, hate HATE ppl!

not meaning that i'm gonna run over abunch of them with my car. but i just can't deal with ppl.
i've come to realise that now, it's not just the customers, it's just that i've never been around ppl much in my life..when i was younger (like pre-school) i hardly ever saw other ppl unless my parents took me to the grocery store or something.
as i got older, during at school, i finally got to see other kids, but then i'd go back to being alone after school or during summers.
then from middle-school on, i was friendless, alone everywhere.
& i'm still alone..i still can't talk to ppl or look them in the eyes. i'm still always alone. i don't know how else to live.

now i'm sad again...stupid diary, why must you remind me of bad things? screw you!
i'm gonna go back to watching movies..but then i won't get no sleep, i'll be tired when i get up early to go back to work..see it's just like a freakin skipping record...over & over again..but it soon will be over soon. then stress will return. unemployment & stress of finding a new job. & that new job will probably just be as bad as the worst...who am i trying to kid?
either way i can't win. goodnight folks.

quote of the day:
"Woopty-Doo..." *sarcastic*
- Austin Powers
- 10:31pm

2003-01-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

cause i SUCK..ok?

*just got a responds back from email i send*

Sara
At the rate I'm going, it probably will be a year before I offer dvds.
thanks
Gary
ain't that nice for him to answer so soon?...actually i guess some among us are ALWAYS online, just cause we have no life..right? am i right? can i get a...oh forget it..
i was actually asking about mystery science theater 3000 eposides that's he's selling..check it out here. guess i'll just settle for gradually buying seasons of the show as soon as i get a new job.

right now i'm being quite good...i've got over $700 bucks saved up, but i'll probably need it soon...damn life, sucking up all of my money!
4 more days of work...3 days staight, 3 days off, then one last day..then i'm OUTTA there..although then i'll have to deal with my parents bitching with me til i have a new job. such is life (wait didn't i already type something like this before? oh hell i can't remember, sooner or later i always turn into a skipping record anyways)

link of the day:
the mystery science theater's offical site's Caption This! game is up again i see
LINK: here, CLICK ME!!! or else i urge you to go & play
- 10:39pm

2003-01-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

friday...right?

it doesn't really matter anyways what day it is, i'll know it's saturday tomorrow if it's all insane & busy. if it is i would miss mystery science theater 3000 anyways, cause i have to leave at 8:30. sundays are 'good tv' night..simpsons, anna nichole show, adult swim on cartoon network.

it's snowing now..again..mostly just icing up the roads. life in pennsylvania...

what could i possibly talk about in here? ya know i knew couple of seconds ago, most be listening to this song is keeping me from thinking
*listening to 'my getaway' by t boz*
*ends*
there we go..where was i? oh yes.
do you hate stupid ppl? now i'm not talking about the dumbass ppl i have to deal with everyday that don't seem to have enough common-sense to know where to put their damn shopping carts after they are done using them, i'm just talking about dumb....someone like me who stares off into space FAR too much to be healthy, someone who can't get spell right, has no clue or cares about anything but him or herself. no booksmarts whatzsoever.
i only know of a few ppl that read this dribble, but they usually come across as quite intellegent in their own bogs or diarys online. where's me..i KNOW i'm dumb. not that i care much but...
see i don't even know where i'm going now!

more weird dreams last night..well first i woke up, then i showered, ate, then evently went back to sleep..so it's to be expected. it was kinda a nightmare-kinda-dream. in it i was in this family, but i was younger, and i was REALLY late for school, but i couldn't find the earrings i wanted to wear! (ya see, even my damn dreams are dumb!) there is more to it, but i can't remember...and i don't know of the right descriptive words to tell you how i was feeling. earlier in the dream i lost a tooth..kinda scary.

3 of my wisdom teeth are coming in..usually when i'm board i tongue at them..they feel really weird..little bloody too, cause of them cutting the gums. Hmmm...

i hope the new rag mags (tabloids) come in tomorow at work..i always look for them & glance through them when the new ones come out. if they have a article or pic on mj i buy..such a tabloid junkie i am...globe is suppose to have this week. one of the new rumors if that lisa marie is pregnant with nic cage's kid..i could believe that. i mean i know about 90% of the time their stories are total bull (just the fact that they CHANGE their freakin stories on what celebs are doing every other week) but once & while they'll get lucky..if it were true i bet she'd just abort the kid..i read in this one book that she did that when she was married to that danny guy.

ain't it nice how my life revolves around bitching about ppl i actually know while obsessing over ppl i've never been or that are just fictional?

i just got an 'this program has preformed an illegal opertion & will be shut down" message
so i guess it's time to wrap up another completely pointless entry

quote of the day:
"She's a carpenter's dream, flat as a board & in need of a screw!"
- *Bitch* Judy on/to Angela
Sleepaway Camp

2003-01-03T01:01:00.000-08:00

3am

i hate when that happens...the day before, i lay in bed, fall asleep, at some point i wake up, brush my teeth, wash my face, go back to bed & can't get to sleep..i just lay there til my throughts force me to get up or go insane.

it's so cold now, everything's cold, everyone just leave me the fuck alone to die.
- 3:50am

2003-01-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

is today thursday?

i guess it is..got my paycheck..feel rich :-D i like that feeling, although i need to save that money, the inspection on my car runs out in febuary & seeing's how the right side door doesn't even open, i'm probably gonna have to get another car (and trade the old one in)

life ain't too bad now..well i got a headache & i've been feeling real insane lately. but my parents ain't pissed off at me anymore..they probably will again in that period after i stop working at walmarts & i find another job..such is life i suppose. i actually have only FIVE more working days left...super-sweet..can't wait for it to be over..i picked up another job application today, for the Sam Goodie store cross from walmarts...they said they were full (read: not really hiring) but gave me an application anyways..i think that counts as trying to find a job don't you?

Jason's (my gray kitty) back...
"Jason!" i say as i look down & pet him
"Mmrrrrrrrrrrr." he answers back
that's he speaks, mostly in Mrrrs of various degrees
he's pretty restless now.

i'm looking forward to having alittle free time before i get that new job (how much free time i'll be allowed is another question)

i had this weird sex dream last night..that's what i get for lookin at those nasty porn sites...but to my credit, i don't do that too often.

*goes down stairs to get more diet soda, comes back*
my parents discovered the dvd adapter thing i bought for them. my dad told me he'd give me the money, i told him it was bribe for him not to yell at me anymore bout the job thing...actually it was $25..

is it bad for 5 yrs old to watch horor flicks? lol my poor cousin Autumn..actually she wasn't too scared watching them, heck her dad was there watching the movies with her. She's actually a good compation to watch them with..she's contantly asking "Who killed her?" or "Where's Jason's at?" she's very cool...i worry she may get nightmares through, my aunt said she's actually said of Pee-Wee now because of bad dreams, LOL..poor pee-wee.

i had a weird laugh..that's a rather pointless fact, but i do. it's just like HEH-HEH-HEH..if i can ever can fix this damn computer to capture sounds, i'll show you. my voice is kinda strange too i guess..at work i speak VERY quietly while at home i speak alittle different..then at certain times i have this kinda accent..(don't ask what kind, i don't know).

my headache is still there...boo

quotes of the day:

"I don't have no problem with you fucking me, but I have alittle problem with you not fucking me."
- Got Your Money
Ole Dirty Bastard
- 7:46pm

2003-01-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

you don't even know what loneliness is.

2003-01-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

update

here's your stinkin diary update...don't say i never gave ya nothing.

as you can see here, i was finally outbidded for the jason vs leatherface comics..basically what i'm sayin is I WANT THIS molie63 PERSON ELIMATED! GO NOW MY LOYAL SERVENTS, KILL! KILL!..well actually there are still 3 days left & the price is still under $10..

i never really wrote bout my christmas & the truth was it wasn't nothin special..i'm not sure if they liked their gifts, my stuff was ok, but nothing to scream bout..

new years was kinda cool..for several hours til midnight i was just watching movies at my aunt & uncle's house. 8 legged freaks (sucks!) friday the 13th part 8 (sucky movie, but still fun to watch for me) sleepaway camp (love this one..it is a poorly written & acted b-movie,)my sister, uncle & 5 yr old cousin were watching them with me. the funnest thing is how scared Lisa (that's my sister btw) gets by horror flicks...Katie (aunt & uncle's dog) gave a high-pitched bark during friday the 13th which made my sister scream...heh-heh.

Sleepaway camp, now if you ever have the urge to watch a really bad horror b-movie, make it THIS one..actually it ain't that bad, i mean, it's well worth it just to see the shocking ending, it's really freaky!

i'm in a pretty mellow/bored mood now...don't wanna do anything either..just a lazy rainy day...my fantasy characters & storylines are changing once again. just get outta my head!

pictures/captions of the day:

If Satan was a crossdresser

Ricky: "..over there is the lunchhall, and that's where I buried last year's victoms, and that's the lake.."

Paul: "You know, i've always been attacked to weirdo flat-chested girls that don't talk."

Breast impants..not just for gals anymore!

Mel: "Oh-no, I went poopie again!"

i'll just keep tellin myself that's it's FUN to be insane..
- 5:18pm

2002-12-30T19:53:00.000-08:00

this episode is just about over, i'm hoping...
things are also looking up slightly with the coming year. i got a job application for this drug store that's located near the grocery & video store..blockbuster's section of movies SUCKS compared to hollywood videos..no cult classics, no silent movies...lots of horror ones put in the drama section..edward scissorhands in comedy?

i'm a bad girl.

quote/picture of the day:

" Angela, what a lovely name, why I believe it means angel. Oh yes I'm sure of it.
I know your going to like that name, won't you Peter?"
- Aunt Martha
Sleepaway Camp

- 10:41pm

2002-12-30T07:56:00.000-08:00

morning...coming to noon

it's been a day & half since they yelled at me, so i guess i've cooled down alittle...
in other news, my name keeping showing up as banned on the kop, i can't even view the damn board!
i'm still the top bidder for the jason vs leatherface comics, at still $6.66...sweet...5 more days to go through.

yestuday i bought my parents this adapter thing for their dvd player that i got them for christmas..it's weird, but i can't get it to work with the regular cables...either way i think it'd soften everything so they don't hate me so much..didn't say anything to them, just left it on the table, although i know eventually i'll end up connecting it for them cause they sure as hell don't know how to do that..

i also bought Autumn this little camera..actually it was in the toys section, it's a cheap working camera with the film & battery along with matching binoculars & a watch.

i'm going go out in alittle bit...not too far..just tto where the nearest grocery store with some other stores are located..rents some movie, if i have enough guts, try to pick up some job applications.

*turns attention back to the toy* this camera kit IS cool. just $10 too..can't beat that. Autumn always likes to take pics with my digital camera...although cause the camera kinda sucks, most of them don't turn out. it'd be fun tomorrow..it really will..she says she got lots of barbie stuff from christmas (sweet! i love barbies! hee-hee) lots of new stuff to play with.

i should mention i got some really great scammers the other day..a girl & guy, kinda young. they came to the express line with like 20+ items & also bought 2 cartons of cigeretts. But where nice & saying sorry for that (all part of the scam, but hey atleast they weren't rude to me) The girl saw me taking a securty tag off a pair of jeans & said they must have been expenstive for them to put those tags on. The guy then asked "How could ppl get away with that?" and i started talking & telling them how easy it is for ppl to steal. Just then i noticed the guy grabbed some of the bags & stuffed a belt i haven't scanned into it. I didn't care...i was feeling miserable & we can't accuse the customers of anything..that's how it is. He took the bags outside while i continued scanning the rest of the stuff. When i finished with the last bag, the girl looked through her purse, "Oh shoot, i don't have my visa! I'll be back!" then she races outside leaving only one bag in the store.

& alcourse they weren't back...Their total was over $300 dollars. but that's how the store is! It ain't my fault cause ppl start taking the bags outside all the time while i'm doing the other stuff. I can't say "Oh, you can't take those outside til you paid!" i can't cause that would be considered 'rude' to the customers. Just like when the store alarm goes off, we can't check them. they could just stick stuff in their pockets & get away with it..it's easy.

my stomach hurts...too many sweets..not enough real food..
let's hope things get better.
- 10:45am

2002-12-29T04:04:00.000-08:00

i don't have much time to write in here, on account of having to go to work pretty soon, so i guess i'll just say my life is on a one-way-ticket-to-hell fast. if you read my whinny message on the kop board, you would know mostly what i'm talkin bout...right now i don't feel like going into details.

it's just THEM..they're the ones who are making me so upset. but i can't move out, i don't know how to live on my own, so my only option is sucide course now...6 or 7 doses i'll try the first night..if it doesn't work, i'll go for 8 the next night i have a chance, then 9-10 (since i have to babysit autumn on new years eve) the pills can work in 2 ways..either i won't wake up or i'll be found (although i doubt they'd go into my room & look for me...i really do, cause i never see them much to begin with) in like a coma-like state. to be honest, the latter seems more better to me. just because it's been so long since anyone has made any serious attempt to give me help, & if i could just have real help,i think i'd..
but on the same note, you know how i am...it took so long just to give that damn note (and look how that's turned out) so who knows if i chicken out..if they keep yelling at me tomorrow & keep me this upset i think i will have a chance through.

well anyways, it's real cold, i'm hungry, i need to get ready...god i hate this job. they know i do, they still don't care. lisa was able to switch jobs..they think i don't know that? why am i treated different? i'll be more successful then lisa through, she took asprins, sleeping pills are the way to do it..i hope i make them upset as they've made me.
- 6:54am

2002-12-27T16:49:00.000-08:00

"I hate you! I hate you! I don't even know you, but I hate you too!"

quote, Scott Evil, played by your friend & mine (in my mind) Seth Green.
one thing i hate bout dial-up internet is that news page that i have to see everytime i come online..i avoid news (that doesn't involve celebs or entertainment) or anything relating to the 'real world' as much as possible..but still i have to know bout something, just enough to rant about them.

Compuserve's main story now is bout some clonned baby..clonning ppl..that's kinda stupid, actually i saw a good (for being on mystery science theater anyways) mystery science theater 3000 movie before bout it...what was it called?..ummm...Something Horror of the Clonus or something or whatever..oh well who cares? In it, they clonned important or rich ppl & held their clones in this boot camp til they killed them, then they used their body parts for organs..pretty cool..huh-huh-huh...

But in actually going out today, i have concluded something important:
There are ALREADY too many ppl in this freakin world! Actually there were just too many ppl in that stupid mall..couldn't even get passed ppl to play with the junk in spencer's gifts. But then i was thinking "Heck, if we got rid of all the unimportant or bad ppl in the world, i'd wouldn't be too far down the list..can't have that!" *seeing's how i can make up rules in my imaginary world*
So my conclusion is that we all stop MAKING new ppl..it's very simple, if you want kids, there are PLENTY of them out there that really want moms &/or dads...and trust me, they are probably just as cute (if not more) then your own offspring would be, despite what your ego would like you to believe.

i'm just not a ppl-person i've come to realise...& i probably never can be. it's probably related to my childhood (starts a fake cry while humming "Childhood" by michael jackson) just growing up & never seeing other ppl or kids unless i was at school..then the last 6 yrs of school i was alone, not only at home, but at school as well because....well cause i'm a quiet weird freak...n ppl don't like freaks ya know?

my spelling & writing is so bad i know...just try to read through it best as you can & try to make sense of it all.
the world is kinda empty, confusing & tire-ing...the world makes my eyes hurt.

i've spend the last couple of days trying to look for things to make me happy, but haven't been too sucessful...that's the hardest part, cause i do try, but there doesn't seem to be many ways. if i wasn't working now, i could just lay in bed for days on end (getting up occasionally for food, bathroom & internet time) on a depression trip til i hit the bottom, bounced & then could find something out..but i can't do that now..even worse i'm not SUPPOSE to be sad at my job...even with me not smiling they had a problem with. and there were just times i had to fight back tears as i was working.

the world don't care & i feel the same way towards it.
why should we try to get along?
- 7:40pm

2002-12-26T15:15:00.000-08:00

survery stolden from site Madeleine's site

who stold it from someone else

Five things that you will never get tired of:
1. sugar
2. diet soda
3. entertainment
4. everything else i'm not sure of, cause my moods & tastes change far too often
5.

Three vacations you have taken:
1. wildwood, new jersey
2. wildwood, new jersey
3. &...what else? oh yes wildwood, new jersey

Five songs you get stuck in your head:
1. (at the moment) Monkey Bussiness - Michael Jackson
2. any others, too many too name
3.
4.
5.

Five things you'd like to learn:
1. anything dealing with computers or website creating
2. how to be happy
3. where places are & how to get them
4.
5.

Three beverages you drink frequently:
1. diet soda
2. water
3. juice

Five tv shows you faithfully watched when you were a kid:
1. Garfield & Friends
2. Married with Children
3. Simpsons
4. Disney Afternoon (Duck Tales, Chip & Dale Resue Rangers, Duckwing Duck, ect. ect.)
5. T.G.I.F (Thank God It's Friday, later changed to more politely correct: Thank GOODNESS It's Friday - Friday night lineup on ABC network, Family Matters, Step by Step, Full House & ect.)

Four places to go in your area:
1. work
2. grocery store
3. bank
4. liberey

Four things to do when you're bored:
1. get online
2. eat
3. watch tv or movies
4. feel miserable

5 things that never fail to cheer you up:
don't feel like answering this one

Four ways to relieve stress:
1. take a shower
2. throw something
3. kill somone...er i mean...i don't know
4. your guess is as good as mine

About 20 years ago...
*counts months on fingers*
I was in my mom's stomach for about 5 months

About 10 years ago...
1. i was 9
2. michael jackson was that 'weird singer guy' who they made fun of on In Living Color
3. i had friends :-)
4. i was in 3rd grade..i think, *counts fingers*
5. everyone else seemed to be more mature
6. i liked treasure tolls & gak

About 5 years ago...
1. I was 14
2. i feel really miserable bout everything
3. i don't wanna remember anything else bout this time, it's over with, so i'm thankful
4. i was a mj fan for 2 yrs at this time & felt weird because of this
5.
6.

NOW...
1. i'm still miserable, but not as bad as before
2. i hate my job, but atleast i HAVE a job & money
3. i'm hoping the future will be more brighter...my dad's gonna get me a video card to use at this blockbuster store that's not too far away & i asked him to get me a jop application as well
4. i'm looking forward to new years eve, cause i get to watch autumn & we can play & have lots of fun
5. i'm still immature
6. i'm 19 (20 in april) & i've now been a mj fan for over 7 yrs

1. Favorite bands?: ace of base i suppose...tlc's early stuff
2. Do you enjoy concerts?: never been to one
3. What was the last concert you attended? above answer
4. Music you couldn't live without? dance stuff, with a goodbeat
5. Kind of music that would fall off the face of the earth and you wouldn't care nor miss? country
6. About how many CDs do you own? little over a dozen..i'm a a slave to the MP3s
7. How many CDs can your stereo hold at a time?: 1
8. Do you have a discman?: portable discplayer, ya mean? yeah in my car
9. What CD could you listen to for hours?: a cd with 100s of mp3s recorded on them.
How many CDs do you own by...:
11. Britney Spears?: none
12. City High?: None
13. O-Town?: None
14. Eminem?: 2
15. Incubus? None
16. Blink 182? None
17. Everclear? None
18. Mandy Moore? None
19. Backstreet Boys? None
20. N Sync?: None
21. Dr. Dre? None
22. Fuel? None
23. Linkin Park? None
24. Destiny's Child? one (left in a motel room that my mom works at, don't think it even works through..lol)
25. Dream? None
26. KoRn? None
27. Limp Bizkit? None
28. Missy Elliot? None
29. Nelly Furtado? None
30. Jessica Simpson? None
31. Christina? None
32. Eve 6? None
33. Sum 41? None
34. No Doubt? None
35. Mariah Carey? None

What lyric comes to your mind when you hear...
36. Goo Goo Dolls? no clue
37. Lifehouse: duh
38. Vertical Horizon? hud (duh backwards)
39. Vitamin C: "Put a smile on face...make this world a better place.."
40. LFO:
41. Savage Garden?: *MJ-like* high pitched wailing
42. Papa Roach?:
43. The Bloodhound Gang?:
44. Toni Braxton?: "...he wasn't man enough for me."
45. 98 degrees?:
46. Our Lady Peace?:
47. The Verve?:
48. Craig David?:
49. Willa Ford?:
50. AQUA?: "So give me stenght to face this test of mine..if i could turn back time, if i could say what i still hide..."
51. 311?:
52. Mikalia?:
53. The Fugees?: killing me softly with his song..."
54. Britney or Christina? "Hit me baby one more time.."
55. Punk or rock? rock
56. Edited or un-edited? unedited
57. Backstreet Boys or N Sync? kill them both!
58. Nick or Justin? i don't care
59. Live or on TV? live i guess
60. Amphitheater or arena? i don't even know what the hell at amphitheater is..
61. Live band or recorded tape?: my arm itches & these questions are stupid.
- 6:02pm

2002-12-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

me thinks..

i should shut down this site...or atleast just make it a simple diary/quotes page, that's bout all i have time to update.

it was snowing real bad yesturday, so by morning, my mom (get this) ASKED me if i wanted to go to work today...gave me an option! course my car is kinda bad at driving in snow..also add my bad driving record. I probably could have made it in alright..but since i had a chance not to go, i called off. >:-D hee-hee..

i was some spagettis right now..those little cup ones you can make in the microwave..Mmmm..

i was quite sad yesturday night for some reason..don't know why.
in another week, i'm gonna get to finally go to that outlet store, just have alittle shopping spree, be nice..i don't get to buy clothes often.

i'm stupid..huh-huh-huh..
i'm also bored...but beats work i guess.

good news, after checking ebay for several days, someone is finally selling the Jason Vs Leatherface comics on ebay. (all 3 together!)
bad news: there is 9 days left on the auction. I just bidded the minium amount ($6.66) so i could get rid of the $50 Buy It Now option. Now I just gotta keep my fingers & toes crossed.

- 11:36am

2002-12-24T18:03:00.000-08:00

my cousin is without a doubt, the most sweetest person in the world

*sings* it's snowing, it's snowing...
actually it'd the first time in YEARS that we'll have a white christmas here in pa..

we had a nice visit...when we first got there, A's (that's my uncle) father, (half?)brother & his girlfriend where there along with their kid, Cody. real cute little 4 yr old bi-racial boy (i never got a good look at A's relatives, but A's part black, so i guess some of his relations are too..i don't know..) he was playing (well attempting) to play Candyland with Autumn when we came by..actually the first words outta her mouth were, "Sara, you're missing all the fun!"

So i went back into the playroom with them, learned Cody's name (me: "Hi Cody, I'm Sara, pleased to meet ya." *offering a hand for him to shake*) watched some Rugrats, til i decided to start a stuffed animal fight with them, by throwing one at Autumn.

After A's realative's left, they opened our gifts. One thing bad bout christmas is...well my family ain't millionares...course you know that, but we still have enough to spend more on gifts (plus my sister, mom & dad, & myself are all buying presents, while just my aunt & uncle buy one for each of us) so they always feel alittle bad...they say that too...I hope they wouldn't. I told Teresa (my aunt), "Look, your my ONLY aunt that gives me stuff." which means something to me..actually their our only relativies that we exchange gift with...pretty bad since my mom comes from a big family.

A & Teresa got me this cool floor lamp..i'll try to take a picture of it someday..but what was REALLY touching..Autumn, 5 yrs old, used her money & picked me out some presents, a pair of stripped toe socks, a belt & a pair of earrings...i was the only one she did that for. really touches me.

my parents, A & Teresa have worked out a new year's plan...they're gonna go now to west virginia to gamble, while i watch autumn..i'm looking forward to that..maybe i can bring over some mj music or videos...try to force...er i mean, make...no, attempt to turn her into a mj fan..i just NEED another one around! no more horror movies for the poor girl through..lol...i'll end up scarring her for life..

my spelling is so horrible..i'm sorry.
i'm also sorry i never update this damn stupid site...it's just i never have much free time.
- 8:53pm

2002-12-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

what?

*listening to 'for all time' by mj..outloud for a change, usually i listen to music with headphones on*
me kinda happy now. :-) gotta enjoy it while i can..

my sister's gonna sleepover so we'll be together as a family tomorrow.
in another hour or so, we're gonna go visit my aunt, uncle n cousin.

today went ok...for most of the 4 hours i was at work, i kept looking at the clock, but there weren't any real bitchy ppl..
earlier in the day, me & some other cashier got the job of carring these big tins of popcorn to a different spot...after acouple of trips, carrring 3 big tins, with my wrist hurting, i wised-up & got a shopping cart to carry 5 tins....the other girls saw this & commended on my good ideal...not a big deal to most, but a nice highlight for me..i'll take any good comments i can get my greedy little paws on.

at work i'm known as the 'girl who won't talk'..but i'm also known as being 'nice' (read: not mean)...so basically my socal status from school is gonna stick around the rest of my life...if they only knew how weird i really was.

i AM happy now...my mouth isn't putting downward as much as usual.
you look happy too Gay Ken, *looks over at Ken doll dressed dressed in tank top, high heels & pearls, on my computer...one of the members of the 'misfit dolls'* course you ALWAYS look happy..must have been the plastic surgery..

i've run outta thing to type..also i'm tired.
- quote of the day
customer: "Look down by your feet, a snake!"
* I stare at him blankly*
customer: "Look down, a snake!"
* confused i look down, expecting to see my shoelaces untired or something*
customer: "Made you look!"
*sings* "Deck the halls with poison ivy..."
- 12:59am...or pm? well it's little after noon anyways...

2002-12-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

I hear voices...and they don't like you

that's the t-shirt i'm wearing today..one of my fav novety ones.

unfair thing that happened at work today rant:
they didn't give me my last 15 minute break...meaning i was working 4 hours STAIGHT...and i mean staight..like a fuckin human assemely line..one after another, hello, scan, bag, rinse & repeat, have a nice day..over & over again.
usually i wait bout a hour after when i'm suppose to get my break, fore i blink my light & ask them "When am i suppose to get my break?" but i was just real confused & busy...*sigh*
i ain't too worried bout tomorrow....granted they have me starting at 7am, when my times are SUPPOSE to be between 8am & 9pm..but i only have to be there acouple of hours..i should get out alive fore everyone is killing each other who is stupid enough to do their shopping on christmas eve...brains ppl...use them'

nope-nope, tomorrow i get to see my sweet & bad (she IS bad! very misbaving kid, but i luv her anyways) cousin & my drunkin aunt & uncle, life will be nice for alittle bit.

kids are great...
cute kid of the day at my register:
little girl, screaming her head off...fortunely she didn't scream at me..after i scanned her doll baby, i just looked at her & mouthed "You want this back?" ,wearing a pacifer, she nodded. kids are smart. minute later she was handing the doll back to me, so i knew what she wanted...a bag for the doll baby.
nope really they are..if i ever go through some chainsaw massacre throughout the store like i sometimes fantasy bout, i'll spare them.

working at a department store during christmas had taught me one important fact of life, which i will now share with you, my loyal vistors with obvious TOO much time on their hands to even be here..and that is as follows:
EVERYONE IS MEAN & SUCKS!
they also don't deserve half of that crap they buy...

not saying i'm any better, but atleast my parents taught me some freakin manners!
speakin of those two poor souls who were cursed with me, they're is fighting again...they fight bout the most stupid stuff...usually it's fun to break in with little comments of my own, while they're argueing.

i wonder what junk i'll get for christmas...i don't care i guess...new toys (stuff) are new toys & it IS nice to have new stuff..

*sings*
"You'll always get a big reaction
fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
when you grab your balls like Michael Jackson"

quote of the day:
"I'll spatula you senseless!"
- me threatening my mom, after she cruely seperates conjointed twin sugar cookies
- 9:11pm

2002-12-23T03:48:00.000-08:00

blah

man, my hair is dirty now..seriously it's probably been over a week since it was exposed to water & longer since it was washed.
it's just when it DOES get wet, it & gets curly, so keeping it dry makes it easier to staighten each morning...pointless gross fact bout me #357

guess what? we (mom, my sister & i) get to see my aunt, uncle & cousin tomorrow :-)
may not seem like a big deal to most, but when most of your outside family members are estranged or INsane, you hang on to those nice ones.

I saw the CUTEST kid yesturday at work. actually i see lots of cute kids, it's about one of the only highlights of the job. They'll usually quite nice (in contrast with the parents), pleased when i hand their candy bars back after scanning, instead of putting it in the bag. The little ones, (the babies) are just nice to make eye contact with..you just look them in the eyes, smile alittle & they smile back, it's so nice.

Dear Santa,
i've been good as i could possibly be without resorting to firearms this year...Please send me the following items or expect alittle 'extra' ingrediant in your cookies...heh-heh..just kidding..maybe
- New Years Eve & Day off from work
- Camcorder (in my dreams!)
- to be 5 inches taller & 15 lbs thinner
- a new tattoo
- new better (it BETTER be better) job at blockbusters
- Jason vs Leatherface comics
- all eposodes of mystery science theater 3000 & beavis & butthead
- my room clean
- more unreleased Michael Jackson songs to be leeked online
- a new Michael Jackson album...(and videos! for god's sake..and i mean sometime this CENTURY! *holding a gun to MJ's head*)
- the ability to fly & eat anything i want without gaining a pound.
- the ppl in my head to move somewhere else
- my computer organised
- all of the above

quote of the day:

opps...time to reorder.
pray for Sara..she has to go back to the soul-crushing hell hole that IS walmarts *crash of lighten*
- 6:39am

2002-12-22T19:11:00.000-08:00
doh!

i made an entry in here last night..really i did!
guess it didn't get posted..forgot what i wrote,but i DID thank SquiZZle for being so sweet & nice in sending me a christmas ecard :-)

some stuff happened today that i could write about, but i don't really feel the need to write it down...i'm just tired & frustrated is all..
oh btw i also wrote yesturday that i FINALLY gave sally that two week's notice note...well actually i laid it on her desk..hopefully she did see it & i can be free soon.

i know i'm on Satan's..er i mean Santa's 'nice list' this year...er dispite all those car accidents i've had...i've been a good girl, i have, i worked hard at a job i hate,i give a dollar to the salivation army person, ringing the bell outside of walmarts, everytime i go in...
Santa...if you really are for real, you'll bring me all 3 issues of the Jason Vs Leatherface comics!
somehow i think this will be the worse christmas yet..

quote:
"Twas the night before Christmas
& all through the house
no food was a stirring
not even a mouse
stockings were hung round Dad's neck like a tie,
along with a note
that says 'Presents or Die!'
children were up all night stalking in their beds
while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.
But Daddy had money this year in the bank.
but then they closed up early..
now Dad's in he tank.

when all of a sudden
Santa appeared!
a sneer on his face,
booze in his beard.
"Santa", I said, as he laughed merrily
"You do so much for others, do something for me."
"Buddy", he said "You only sell shoes,
Your son is a sneak-thief,
your duaghter's a flooze!
"Ho-Ho" said Santa "Shall I mention your wife?
her hair's like a A-Bomb, her nails like a knife."

And he climbed up the chimney..
that fat piece of dung,
he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue
& I heard him exclaim,
as he broke wind with glee,
"You're married with children,
and you'll never be free."
- Al Buddy
Married With Children
(excuse the bad spelling, i'm writing it from memory)

Picture of the day:

Jason: Oh Leatherface, can't we just be friends?

Jason: My name is Jason & I am funky
Cook: That's all well & good, but we'll just call you 'Ugly Rotting Hockey Dude' for short
- 10:02pm

2002-12-20T19:23:00.000-08:00
sad

most ppl at work are so nice to me, but i can't talk to them..i never could. i feel kinda bad about that.

the fact is i WANNA be happy..i really do. i can remember the feeling when i was younger, it was just a mixture of carefreeness with just enjoying nice & fun things in life. There's wasn't much worring or sadness about bad things..was there bad things? i can't remember. there was some stuff that could be shocking if i told to someone, but it's not such a big deal to me...
"what was she doing with those knifes?"
i guess..
even when she was laying in bed sick, after swallowing all those pills..trying to kill herself, i still remember those vanilla/chocolate sandwitch cookies we had...how good they tasted when you held them in milk for a couple of seconds just to make them ALITTLE bit soft..and i had them all to myself cause Lisa was sick...funny what you can remember.

i think i remember the cookies cause we didn't have cookies or candy in the house much..it shocks me seeing families buying up SO much junk food for their kids cause when i was younger, when didn't have much.

Maybe that's how i became such a sugar-addict...I remember when i was younger, times when we were at the store, i was too afraid to ask to get a candy bar..Just afraid that they'd say "NO." ain't that funny?...well not funny..just stupid i guess, i was afraid of the word "No" and the mean way it sounded. As i grew older, i fantasied bout when i was grown-up, i could eat as much sugary-junk as i wanted.

my body doesn't make me uncomfortable as it used to..i'm thankful for that. i know what i am, a short chubby little girl. i can't help that. that's just who i am.

i've gown waaaaaaaaaaaaay off subject here, but i wasn't on any subject anyways so...

so....life is bad. but i'm afraid of the opposite.
the other night i laid & bed & imagined what it would be like. Fair to myself, i imagined alot of ppl upset & crying (i think you would be suprised who would care about you after you're gone) probably my parents going through my stuff..finding my mj stuff, but not thinking much about it beyond "I guess she was a big michael jackson fan."
"if i didn't know you like i do.
i'd let you into
this secret in me."
in the end it wasn't so nice..some ppl, would actually care about me, but..

*goes off subject yet again*
christmas is coming...big fuckin deal....be glad when it's over. i miss enjoying it...counting down the days. i'm still counting down the days, but mostly til its over.
not to say i'm not looking forward to the day itself.
it's been a long time since i did something to make them..all of them, proud of me. i'm hoping they'll like their gifts, i esp home my parents will...it feelsso bad being a worthless waste of space.

don't you understand how it feels?
i hope you care,
if not i dont' care anyways
please just don't hate me...
- 10:15pm

2002-12-20T18:38:00.000-08:00
2 down, 4 more to go

my head is crammed full of things to tell you, although i don't have much desire to do so..sucks.
let's see...

well i have to leave for work in 11 & half hours..i just got home from it little while ago, god my life sucks..subtract
7-8 hours for sleep & i don't have too much left.

"You can do it!" is fading on my hand..at times i write little messages on my hand, usually it's "I hate this job." or "I wanna go home." but today it was this message trying to give me strengh to quit this god-awful job. it was a very simple task too...all i had to do was get out a piece of paper, write down:
"Sally,
I wanna give my two weeks notice.
- Sara *last name*"
& leave it on her desk..
i would just have to deal with the questions & stress of explaining WHY i wanna quit tomorrow, but all & all it was a pretty easy thing to do. But i knew i couldn't do it & i was right..anyone else could do it without a second throught, but i can't..i'm just not strong enough, hate myself for that. i really do.

stupid curly hair (i staighten it in the morning but it still curls up alittle) stupid name...*mocking voice* SAAAAAAARA....yuck! i hate that name..only times i don't hate it is when Autumn says it..she used to call me Soda at first when she was first speaking. I would prefer the name Soda actually.

i'm a sugar-addict...it's quite bad really, but i HAVE to have sugar pretty much constently. Back before, when i wouldn't allow myself sweets, i would crave & fantasy bout them non-stop.

"Hush up Jason!"
that's what i'm saying...he's meowing...
he's been in everynight ever since his mom (Missy) went missing (died). That's just the system, my mom lets him up in my room fore i come home from work at night & he usually stays in til i get up in the morning. He's real good usually, decides occasional times when he's wondering around the room meowing.
*meow*
"Hush up Kitten!"

my only company...life is hell, yep it is, you try not to notice, but i can tell.
it's been awhile now since someone contacted me...although i'm never really home much. i'm always THERE, there, wishing i was here or anywhere else. is that anyway to live?

someday living in this fantasy world in my head will get to me...in a bad way.
you realise how insane it is when you're talking outloud to yourself? well not to yourself, but to the characters in the story, in your head.
atleast i'm not hearing voices...well beyond those ghost voices, but i haven't heard them in ages. Just once or twice, i heard my name being called....
i hate my name.

quote of the day:
"Relax
This won't hurt you
Before I put it in
Close your eyes and count to ten
Don't cry, I won't convert you
There's no need to dismay
Close your eyes and drift away
Demerol, demerol
Oh God he's taking demerol
Demerol, demerol
Oh God he's taking demerol

He's tried hard to convince her
To give him more of what he had
Today he wants it twice as bad
Don't cry, I won't resent you
Yesterday you had his trust
Today he's taking twice as much
Demerol, demerol
Oh God he's taking demerol
Demerol, demerol
Oh God he's got his demerol
Hee....ooohhh
Oh!"
- Michael Jackson
Morphine
- 9:12pm

ps: if ya got nothing else better to do, check out my horror animations: click here...or else

here's a few to freeze up your computer: *evil laugh*

2002-12-19T04:36:00.000-08:00
6 days of hell

the next 6 days are gonna be a NIGHTMARE..see i have to work them staight, without a day off. I'm used to working 5 days in a row without break, but 6....damn...plus figure this is the last days fore christmas, i work at freakin walmarts as a freakin cashier..you do the math there.
but atleast i only have to work couple of hours on christmas eve...(the store closes early on that day) & then i have christmas day off (just cause the store closed), then next day i have to go back. >:-(

christmas is here...it's almost here. I'm not in much of a christmas mood, cause i think the day will just suck anyways. the decorations are all up, as well as the tree...i think i have 3 or 4 gifts under the tree, no clue what they are (had no clue what to ask for) but i know they'll suck.

here's what i got everyone:
mom & dad: dvd player, dvds: austin powers 3, men in black 2, twilight zone volume something (my dad loves that show), & from dust til dawn
sister: shelf, wine holder & basket/plant holder thing all in a vine theme. (hard to describe it) stuffed frog that says "Ribbit" when you squeeze him (my sister's a frog nut), & a fridge magnet with a frog & caption: "I'm so happy I could just shit."
crazy grandmother: white shoulders perfume (her fav...be lucky you're getting anything you twisted old fruit for callin us up at all hours, bitching)
aunt: chia pet (dog), pat benentar greatest hits cd, little real christmas tree i'm gonna decorate
uncle: 2 t-shirts, Zed Leplin & one with a words: "I see dump people", neil young cd
cousin: cotton candy maker, Kelly (Barbie's little sister) Club House, Set of little dolls (Barbie-rip-offs) with activity stuff, bag full of dress up stuff.

please give me the stenght to quit my god-awful job..
right now my most realistic dream-job is at blockbusters. There's one in town, so it wouldn't be too far to drive. Plus ANY small-non-department-store would have me dealing with less ppl then evil walmarts. Basically i wouldn't mind...actually i'd LOVE a job there like just organsing & putting back movies in their order, without having to deal with stupid ppl all the time. Either way, being around MOVIES all the time would be nice to me..*Homer Simpson Voice* MMMmmm...Movies

quote of the day:
"Sometimes I just wanna put a bullet in my skull."
- Out of This World
Mystery Science Theater 3000
- 7:27am

2002-12-18T10:22:00.000-08:00
Horror Fans are Funny Twisted Ppl

2002-12-18T08:33:00.000-08:00
some rare good news

yesturday i saw this ad for this tattoo place, which i've seen before actually...but this time i notice the location, gettsyburg, YORK street..York Street, i think...in Gettsyburg, i KNOW where that's at! I have to take that road to get to work. Well i haven't seen the place before, but now i know to look for it.

seems like it does pierces too. really i've been DYING to find a good tattoo/piercing place, although i'm not too sure what i want to get done..my stupid-ass job doesn't allow facial pierces. well i'll have to think bout it..

the next good thing was i FINALLY found mike's address...for those who don't remember (or care) mike was this guy i was kinda 'friends' with in high school. He was kinda dorky (althrough i was no prom queen myself) & weird, but nice guy...decides having really bad breath. (jeeze, ain't i nice? see this is why i have no friends) anyways he DID send me a christmas card last year & i (mean old me) never got to send him one back...plus awhile back i DID buy him a card just to say 'hi' but i couldn't find the address. one cool thing is mike is weird like me, & also is a halloween-movie-fanatic...actually movies (in general) & movie stars-fanatic.

quote of the day:
Jim: "You know Donna, you have great legs..what time do they open?"
*Donna gives him the finger*
Jim: "That'd be one o'clock?"
- Halloween Resurrection
- 11:23am

2002-12-17T19:12:00.000-08:00
i've been hiding for a week now...a week away from you, so i suppose i owe you a statement or somethin.
all i got is to say i'm nuts & that's a scary thing. at times i can ignore this fact, but living in my head is gonna drive me crazier & crazier day by day..but i know of no other way to live.

if..................
i'd let you into
this secret in me..

quote of the day:
*beep-beep*
- Michael Myers setting car alarm on the car he stoled, after arriving HOME.
- Halloween Resurrection; deleted scene
- 10:02pm

2002-12-10T05:10:00.000-08:00
Brighter morning

it's alittle better now...it helped by posting screen captures & an animation of michael on the billboard awards on the kop board. ppl were so nice...thankin me n everything...feels good....i'm thinking bout bringing back scream4mj.com, probably hosted on the place where grudgeworld is now.

my dad & albert (my uncle) went to walmarts real early, changed the tired & drove it back..so it is still drivable. now they'll saying it can be fixed with a new grill & parts from a junk lard...i'm not too sure, but i'd like to believe.

but the important thing is it IS dec. 10th..which is the day when Halloween 8 comes out on video & dvd. ("video and dvd"..i'm sounding more & more like those comericals on that tv at work each day) So IF i can find my glasses today might end up alright....just maybe..anyways atleast TOMORROW i got off..

remember that entertainment center i was talking about some time ago? Well after awhile i just started putting it together myself..just the small first steps, screwing certain pieces together mostly. Finally my dad went & tried to get it up & he couldn't do it. (i know what you're thinking & NO i'm not to blame for that..damnit i actually didn't do too bad of a job) soooooooooooo....i guess tomorrow i'll have a look at it. see what i can try to do.

please don't let today be too bad..
- 8:02am

2002-12-09T19:28:00.000-08:00
A bad day..

*listing to song Two Princes' to make self feel better*
well i guess i'll start off with what what wrong today..first off..i hit a mailbox...actually i didn't just HIT it..my car went into it & it flew over the car) while i was screaming & trying to get back on the road..i tell ya i'm cursed..and a crappy driver.
I just took my eyes off the road for a second or two..i was rewinding this janet jackson cassette tape & it wasn't working right so i looked down to see if the car's stereo had messed up the tape (it did that before) & then i heard crashing sounds & looked up to see the mailbox flying. very scary.

i didn't realise later on til i was gonna leave for work how bad it hit through..the right side of my car is messed up enough that you can't open the front door. & the area under the light is messed up as well....messed up beyound repair really (without spending alot of cash) & when i tried driving home i found out the tire was flat as well. (little luck i suppose that it didn't get flat til after i got to work fine) so i had to call up dad, wait at walmarts til he picked me up...and so on..

so i'm kinda screwed now cause inspection for my car is in feburary...it AIN'T gonna pass obvoiously so i have to buy a cheap car...*sigh* one thing after another ya know?

plus i can't find my glasses to boot...now i only have ONE pair of glasses...my vison is really crappy but i get along ok without them most time although it's hard driving at night without them. Also i'm used to wearing them while watching tv or movies too (reality i don't need to see clearly but fanasies i must). I know i had them in the car after the accident but i've looked all around and...

today's just been really crappy ya know? one of those days where at times i have to try hard not to cry while i'm waiting on the godamn customers....i hate that job so SO much..

but where can i work anyways...it takes so long to drive to places away from my house...it takes half hour alone to get to & from work each time..

nothing's going right..nothings going right. dont you fuckin see that?!?
stop crying you stupid...
please please..jyust make ..just letme be happy its not possible, it's not possible is it? i'm just really sick of all of this.

i just wanted to be happy

it could be worse but it could be better
no one fuckin cares NO ONE FUCKIN CARES
nothings going right

2002-12-07T17:43:00.000-08:00
Hello my name is Sara & i am a tabloid junkie...

lol my kitty jason is SO damn cute..really.
just a minute ago i was kinda lost in a ongoing fantasy my head so i was ran into my bedroom & saw Jason on the floor. To justify me acting like that (yes i try to act 'normal' even for my cat) i tackeled him to play. But he plays pretty rough..It's not so bad when he sinks his teeth in you but he does do some damage with those claws. So I jumped up to get this stuffed unicorn for him to fight with. But when i turned around & came out him i surpised him (he was cleaning himself) so, embaressed, he went onto my bed & tried to bury his head under my pillow...lol

i hope Jason doesn't catch that mouse in my room..i've always heard stratcing sounds but the other day i actually saw the mouse. It's alittle dark one..so cute..(yes i'm an animal nut..so what) When i told my parents, they said to set a trap. HELL NO! i don't wanna kill it! :-( although i think if worse comes to worse i can set a 'live trap' (one what will catch it alive) & then keep it as a pet..i can't put it outside now..the cold weather would kill it.

tabloid junkie...that's what i am.
ummm....pictures! man these things are great. the new ones came out recently so today i bought Star, National Equirer & Globe....Lisa Marie has such strange eyes..

i figure it's ok to live in a fantasy world rather then face reality..cause let's face it, reality is never gonna be too nice...(well for ME anyways) what's the harm? well i know the harm..ever see Psycho? ever have a psycho in your direct family?

these entries are so boring...actually if i try i can remember some interesting stuff that happened to me before...well more sad then interesting i suppose. i can't really remember a time i wasn't lonely & confused with the world.

eh screw the world,
here's our fictional character pin-up of the week.
Harley Quinn

ain't she cute?

LOL @ this next one..i just love the batman head on the wall :-b

the joker's nuts..rejecting HER

some good links for you freaks out there
Villainous Vamps of Gotham City
>Harley-Quinn.com
>Offical site of Batman animated series

quotes:
"Hey remember me, that big charity bash a few years back, the one the Joker robbed? I wuz the clown girl holdin the gun on ya!"
"Jingle bells Bratgirl smells, Birdboy laid an egg! The batmobile lost a wheel and Puddin got away!"
"You really know how to put the "fun" in "funeral", boss"
"It's amazing whacha find in people's glove compartments!"
"I'm havin a bad day! I'm sick of people tryin ta shoot me, run me over or blow me up!"

for more info on the girl, check out this page.

if you are reading this you have too much time on your hands, you might wanna consider starting a hobby or somethin.
- 8:32pm

2002-12-06T16:53:00.000-08:00
quote of the day:
"Crack, it's what's for dinner."
- just radium quote that popped into my head
-7:44pm

2002-12-06T06:35:00.000-08:00
Sara's Day Off

well be proud of me, i did it...i called up & took today atleast i THINK i did..i also asked what time i had to work tommorow (i didn't have it written down) but i think my message that i needed today off got through...er i THINK...they didn't ask why...but hell if they say i didnt' call in i can say i DID...so there...stupid f*ckin job..

but in accordance with not hating myself i have to get some stuff done today..just not sleep (although i will do that too..it IS a sick day afterall) & be online all day...my parents may be mad (well mostly my dad, my mom is cool) but i AM sick..so there..

so THERE..i'll say it again
- 9:27am

2002-12-06T05:47:00.000-08:00
another sick day

i really should call off work today...cause i just feel like hell, granted i also felt that way last week, but now i'm just feeling alittle more tired...i'll give it to 9 o'clock..if i don't feel any better by then i'll call off..*bad girl!* screw it.

it started out as a constant weak/tired feeling, then i got a sore throat in addition to that..now the sore throat has gone away & i'm left with a constintly stuffy nose..that n my head just hurts too..

if i give the two weeks notice now i can have the holidays off & find another job after new years..granted my parents will be bitching at me the entire time i'm unemployeed...but i'm just dreaming anyways..i can't quit & i probably won't get the guts to take today off..but i'm just so tired..
- 8:38am

2002-12-05T09:17:00.000-08:00
i feel quite relaxed now...it's nice.
it's still snowing too...there's probably bout 5-6 inches out there. i'll take another picture (i took some earlier) soon to show you how beauitiful it looks.

Dead hasn't contacted me in ages...bum...oh well i guess he got tired of me. maybe cause i wasn't online enough cause of work.

Jason's been inside with me for that last couple of nights ever since his mom (Missy) was missing. He's even in now, been in for awhile cause of the snow. He's so sweet! Honestly..n that cat makes me so much laugh too...i love having him around.

these diary entries are SO boring...
- 12:09am

2002-12-05T05:43:00.000-08:00
Snow & Michael Jackson

it's snowing outside!
for real this time..couple of inches, all white :-)
it's very purty.

my stomach also doesn't really hurt much anymore..i'm still feeling the effects of the cold or flu through.

& anyways...i'm back in mj-world. kinda a tough place to be.

the situation with michael jackson...how the media treats him.it's just NUTS. Look i'm not blind, i can see he looks different from the average person, WAAAAAAAY different. And he 'seems' to act different as well (i put quotes round seems cause no (outside of michael's family or friends) no how he acts anyways) So what? That's my question..what's the big f*ckin problem with everyone?

I guess before 1993 ppl didn't really think too badly of Michael. In their eyes he was a freak, yes, but a freak with a sad back-story & that still made pretty good music videos & heck since he was SO polite & proper, what was the harm? But then the molesting thing came out..suddenly the pieces would put together. Cause of his voice & appearence most ppl seem to assume he was gay, & now there was a sick E! true hollywood story reason for him hanging out with all those kids.

Things haven't been the same since then i guess. The public sees Michael give the kid's parents money & takes that as a sign that he's guilty. "What innocent person would PAY?" but really What parents would take money from their kid's molestor instead of seeing that bastard rotting in jail?

it doesn't matter now through....ppl will believe what they want to believe. Although i suspect some simply didn't like the ideal of a 'freak' being SO popular & SO famous...it was fine when Michael had short hair & was singing Billie Jean back in the day. But as soon as he started acting 'weird'.....You DON'T act weird...i think that's a showbizz rule or something. you act outta line & you're gonna be made fun of on Leno tomorrow night. Act stranger yet & the tabloids will lable you with some stupid ryhming nickname that took then 2 seconds to think of.

there's no room for freaks in the world they said..
but he just goes into life wearing any getup he wants with a smile (or what he can manage) on his face..
if nothing else, give him some credit for that.
- 8:36pm

2002-12-05T01:00:00.000-08:00
pain

things seem to be against me lately...i don't know.
i had bout 3 hours of sleep fore i woke up pretty much moaning in pain. however you wanna say it. i was basically moaning out "Owww" over & over again..i'm weird. But my stomach or actually the area below it REALLY hurts. I've had to put a heating pad over it just to make it bearable. I'd like to think it's just mensual pains, but i only get thoses usually on the 1 & 2 day of the period ya know? (more gross info you didn't need to know) & this is like the 4th day..

Basically i'm afraid cause these pains....me sitting here in pain with the heating pad over my stomach, it's exactly like it was 2 years ago, when i had to go into surgery...So what if i have another blockage in my intestines? Hell it happened before & the doctor said cause of the scar tissue they found it happened abunch of times BEFORE i even had surgery.

I'll wait....hopefully it'd go away. I don't fear surgery or anything but i worry if my insurence will cover that sorta thing.

I think i will stop wishing for a friend cause i'm just getting harder & harder to reach now...like i'm just going more into my shell & i've grown acustomed to it. I'm just grown used to being on my own & not being around others.

things look pretty bad now i guess, but i'm not too sad...yes i'm in pain..physical pain, hell yes. but not too sad now..just let it stay that way.
- 3:52am

2002-12-04T13:14:00.000-08:00
i tried so hard to be good really i DID...
but it all fails, something always goes wrong, somethng ALWAYS has to go wrong.
i'm just foolish for trying
i need to forgot about that world, forget about it for good. i wasn't meant to live in there, i'm not meant to.

i tried so hard just to be a good girl
screw everything now, i'm better off alone without them

2002-12-04T11:58:00.000-08:00
little better now..although i probably shouldn't have started taking that bed apart cause i REALLY need a nap now, i'm just really tired...i'll probably just have to use that couch downstairs or sleep on the floor in here (i have 2 rooms in my ..er..room...space anyways, this room with the computer & my other one with my bed).

i hope my dad gets home soon..he's suppose to..my mom said he gets off round 2 or something like that... i hope he can take the rest of the frame of the bed & put the entertainment center up..

we're (me & my mom anyways) gonna decoracte the tree later on...fun! actually i should probably burn off those novety christmas song i have on MP3 onto CD now so we can listen to them...hey that's a good ideal..glad i remembered...see ya
- 2:51pm

2002-12-04T09:18:00.000-08:00
well i've done most of my chores for the day, so here i am back on the internet...kinda dizzy & lightheaded, but typing neverless.

in putting up the entertainment center, most of my room has to be cleared...including most of my bed. which is pretty good because the frames are falling apart (did i mention this before?) i have this old day bed that we got...Umm...i think after my great-grandmother died, i think it was hers. & basically now the frames of it are broken & it makes creakin sounds everytime i move in bed. very annoying. so after all this is done i'm just gonna have a mattress on the floor like i did before..alittle uncomfortable, but you get used to it & it makes the room seem more bigger.

man i really am lightheaded now..i can't really think staight or know if this is making any sense..i think i'll go downstairs & watch austin powers (i'd watch it upstairs, but i've already disconnnected my tv & vcr) plus my bed (which i lay on to watch tv) is half apart..i've been taking out some of the screws. oh man...once again, i don't know if i'm making any sence, see ya later
- 12:11am

2002-12-04T07:58:00.000-08:00
little better now that i had something to eat,
but overall i still feel like crap...oh well.

overall i've been a pretty good girl lately. i've bought lots of nice presents for my family & have them all wrapped up. (i just need to buy more stuff for my aunt, then i'll be done) i've been going to work & haven't called off because of being sick. (believe me i've REALLY wanted to) so i guess i deserve my presents.

my christmas present - i guess you could call it- to myself. it's this REALLY nice entertainment center i've been looking at for a good while at walmarts, it's REALLY big with lots of shelfs & space to put stuff. my dad was nice enough to take his truck into walmarts the other day to pick it up for me..ain't that nice of him?
mental note: be nicer to poor ole dad from now on
& he may put it together today...least that's what he said.
an BIG entertainment center with LOTS of shelfs means one main thing to me. ORGANISION..i spelled that wrong didn't i? where's my goddamn dictonary...? m'kay here we go: correction: ORGANIZATION. which means balance in my life..which i really need..yes sir all this time an entertainment center was my key to happiness..i'm gonna keep tellin myself that.

christmas is here....just 3 weeks away
enjoy the antica..

..pation & season while you can.

quote of the day:
"Not that I can recall."
- Michael Jackson when asked if he suffered from memory problems, in court

2002-12-04T05:35:00.000-08:00
damn, ya know i WANTED to write in this thing today, cause after having a bad cold/flu whatever for awhile, i felt better yesturday. but seem like it ain't all over...oh well..atleast i'm off of work today & tomorrow.
need to go to the store later, REALLY need some juice..n diet soda too. just need stuff to drink.
- 8:28am

2002-12-03T19:15:00.000-08:00
quote of the day...hell of the YEAR:

SAVIDGE: And this just in, we have more choice words from Michael Jackson. It deals with that incident you heard about in Berlin. You remember the video, Jackson dangling his child over a balcony. Jackson later issued a statement explaining the incident but that did not stop the outrage and a California attorney from filing a complaint about his treatment of his child. Now, reporters have asked him to comment and he says he has this to say, as he was returning to court after a lunch break.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Michael what would you say about Gloria Allred?
JACKSON: Who's that?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: She's an attorney who's calling for an investigation (UNINTELLIGIBLE) as a result of the incident?
JACKSON: Tell her to go to hell.
- CNN broadcast

heh-heh-heh, god i love him! >:-D
- 10:08pm

2002-11-29T20:22:00.000-08:00
went to bed at 8
woke up around 9ish
laid in bed
got back up around 10:45
got soda & ate animal crackers
now i'm outta diet soda :-(

*sigh* sorry can't help repeatidy doing that...today at work i kept taking big breaths of air, then letting it out..don't know why extactly.

please don't hate me
i can't help who or what i am
actually i could i suppose...but i just CAN'T
please try to understand (threw in that last line just cause it rhymed)

it's so cold...cold old farm house...so big...i remember when i was younger, we'd put up blankets inbtween rooms..mostly just to keep all the heat in the front room (aka the room where the tv was). that was along time ago i suppose. It's just strange cause somewhere my mind is still stuck there. I still think of myself as that little girl (the youngest daughter), the little dorky girl...come to think of it i kinda hate that girl. I remember i did have some fun when i was her through..fun as well as boredom & loneliness...and confusion.

I don't wanna know who i am. I don't even wanna be whatever it is. god i'm just so confused. honestly.

the best i can do is try to be what i really am. only do what i wanna do. But i'm not in control, i never will be. I'm too stupid & scared to be. Someone else is always running my life, telling me what to do. why can't i just have the guts to quit? i wish someone could do it for me. i'm not strong, please. i'm not strong enough. please give me the stenght to do what i have to do. it won't make anything better, actually it won't do anything, but i don't think i can survive this world anymore & it's pains outrank all the pleasures by a longshot.

could i have another chance? i really DO wanna make things right, although i know i'll screw it all up in the end. please, please...

*wonders whom i'm talking to*
figures it out*

please, please, you can make it right. you CAN, really...you tried & did a good job before.
no i can't you miserable piece of crap, can't you understand? i can't do it...i just can't. isn't it bad how this simple problem anyone ELSE could fix like that *snaps fingers if i knew how* i stress over?
*no answer back*
you're gone...you probably were never there to begin with. goodbye

*another sigh*

well anyways..everything seems so dull right now. everything. i can't find joy in stuff like i used to. that's a problem for me.
i hate these depressing entries, i really do.
- 11:12pm

2002-11-29T17:03:00.000-08:00
i'm just really really tired :-(
& cold too.

2002-11-28T19:37:00.000-08:00
I should be in bed now

i'm so bored...n so, so tired
i'm simply dreading tomorrow n any day afterwards that i'm working. just a f*cking machine i am (no that THAT..i'm not using the 'f' word as a verb...it's an ad..ya know the description thingy..lord how did they let me graduate high school being SO stupid?! it's a bloody outrage i tell ya..) i'm just a machine anyways, there is no purpose to my existence, i'm just here to collect dust & lower standardized test scores mostly.

*listening to radiohead, that one REALLY good song..can't spell or remember the title, it had that freaky cartoon video to it, ya remember?*
i always hear different words in the songs..when i read the lyrcs it turns out that the singer was saying something completely different then what i hum along with. But art is up the person, ain't it? we all see different things in song or paintings or whatever...i don't know..i'm confused & tired & never paid much attention in art class. esp when they showed some artsy documentry...lights would go off & i'd be out Zzzzzzzzz...i couldn't help it, i didn't get much sleep then.

my throat is hurting now too...mostly i'm just tired & dizzy sometimes. *sigh*
i broke the turkey wishbone with my sister & got the bigger piece. my wish was to be able to quit my job & find one i like...*sigh #2* i'm doubtful through..i have no control over myself. my chickensh*t side is controling me now & she doesn't like change, it scares her too much..by now she's used to working at a job she hates & doesn't wanna go through the PRESSURE of quitting & finding a new one..i really hate her.

ya see i HAVE to have these different sides, cause if i didn't have a scapegoat to take the blame for everything i'd simply do too much damage to myself...all of me.

i'm not making any sense am i?
i blame the medication...it doesn't seem to be working much but..oh damn, my stupid vision is going..well i need to get to bed anyways.

quote of the day:
"Pray for Mojo."
- Simpsons
- 10:27pm

2002-11-28T12:01:00.000-08:00
as i was saying
we'll gonna go & see 8 Crazy Nights...man i love cartoons :-b

the past layout was the SHORTEST one left yet...
someday i'll simply change the name of this site to 'Stalking & Obsessing'

Stalking and Obessing..they'll COPS!
hee-hee...*joke stolden from mystery science theater; only funny to me*

i didn't eat much at thanksgiving..just as well.
i think my family hates gays...*sigh* ppl fear & make fun of what they don't understand...such as life

*sings*
"We're the planeteers!
You can be one too!
Cause saving our planet is the thing to do!"
*something* and poluting is not the way.
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:
The Power is Yours!

dear god saturday morning cartoons were bad when i was younger..thank god for cable.
*ironic how i always throw the word 'god' into my speaking...i think it works like a swear word*

yes my diary entries are boring...but think how much MORE boring YOU must be for reading them..
insulting the readers, yes-sir, that's how i'll make this lousy site popular :-)
- 2:53pm

2002-11-28T10:23:00.000-08:00
so so sleepy...work's gonna be hell with me like this tomorrow.

my mom had a dream where missy was out in the cornfield, so we (my sister n i) looked, but couldn't find her.
we even looked in the ole chicken sheld..

*sleepy*
if i can get awake after dinner (food = energy, good for me since i only had alittle bit of ice cream today) i may go see..
opps my sister is callin me bout something, talkto you later
- 1:15pm

2002-11-28T07:29:00.000-08:00
the goddamn media just WON'T get off it will they? i just have to wonder how michael deals with this, if i was him i would have ODed on sleeping pills a good while ago. goes to show you how stong he is...

in the news today, i really gotta pee, but my mom's in the bathroom taking a bath.
when i was younger that wouldn't matter. we had a big bathroom so all the girls (my mom, sister n me) could all be in there at any given time. Like if someone ELSE was...er..'going'. another person would just be sitting on the laudrey bastet, waiting & probably talking with the person going. Somehow that changed for me when i was....mm..probably a teenager. I'm the only one who changed through..i mean i can be taking a shower & mom can come in & 'go'. But she knows i can't having anyone coming in while I'M going..

discussing bathroom habits..don't say i ain't open to complete strangers (both of them) who read this.

i think i have a cold or flu or something...either way i'm just alittle dizzy & tired, but i got medication pills to pop, so it aint so bad.

*weakly sticks gold star on cheek*

caption:
Michael Myers: "Damn, I wasn't planning on the window being closed..this just messes up everything!

Hello? Anyone in there? Can ya open up the damn window?!

Oh this hopeless, i should just go home.."

til we meet again
- 10:22am

2002-11-27T06:01:00.000-08:00
i guess i'll just mention that despite having to go to work, i'm still feeling pretty good...for some reason...probably the..jeeze it's
pretty bad i feel that way in light of someone else's misfortune, huh?

you're "an okay person."
have a cookie & feel better

m'kay i gotta go now or have to speed, & have my car slide off the road, killing myself instantly, just so i can get to work on time...i'll be back in bout 10 hours. (9 hour work day + half hour it takes going to work, then another 30 minutes coming home) pray
that all the ppl who visit walmarts won't come today & i can just stand around huming "all the things she says" & "he's back(the man beind the mask) all day, won't you?
- 8:54am

2002-11-27T03:41:00.000-08:00
curses! >:-(
only an inch of snow!
back to work today, but atleast i got tomorrow (thanksgiving) off.
- 6:31am

recomended song of the day:
i should have listened to vega awhile back when SHE recomened this song like a month ago on her site, but just this week i heard it on the radio & the dj guy said it was from a girl (actually he said lesibain, but same diff) grouplfrom russia which rung a bell in my head...either way, it's a GREAT song full of lots of emotion
Tatu - All The Things She Said

2002-11-26T12:31:00.000-08:00
didn't i tell ya so?

sorry but the split of lisa marie & nic cage brought a smile & chuckle to my face..

it's just...i'm admit i deal with a love/hate thang with lisa marie..mostly cause i'm just insanely jealous of her life..esp getting to be married with michael.
the big thing is how the media as always acted like michael was 'below' her n everything..it's just stupid n mean..

i'm good now :-)
there's a really high chance it's gonna snow..starting tonight & continueing tomorrow, n with this, my parents are gonna let me stay home (if it snows that is). well..see cause it's like a 30 minute drive there, i got no snow tires on my car...n everything.
*nice sigh*
- 3:24pm

2002-11-26T06:55:00.000-08:00
i'm thinking bout starting over with the computer...however u say it. it's kinda screwed up now, some programs aren't working, i just have less then 3GB free, and it's full of programs i don't use..just i've only done that once before, so i'm not sure i can do it right.

recomended song of the day:
Alice Cooper: He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)

this song plays during friday the 13th part 6's credits. i've been listening to it repeatidly after downloading it today. it's quite catchy in it's own 80s rock & roll nostagic kinda way.
- 9:48am

2002-11-25T19:34:00.000-08:00
i'm lazy....hence i'm back to the bog.

i'm kinda content right now..got tommorow off, just got done watching Friday the 13th part 6: Jason Lives! (i forgot how jason was brought back to life, so i asked my parents to rent this one while they were out) much funnier then i remember. still got Killer Klowns from Outer Space to watch. (see Dead, i'm FINALLY gonna see it!) dead? ya still there?....guess not.

*listening to 'Siting up in my room' by brandy*

my mom bought that stereo, i wanted to get a refund for, from me.
with that money (and some more) i bought my new stereo...i love it, plays mp3s, got preset stations & a remote, LOVE IT..

*tired*
so i'm not feeling so bad presently, cause i'm not thinking bout good things, just nice stuff...
i wish i could see Autumn more, i miss her..just got a month til christmas..

so i got tomorrow off...
then go back to work,
then it's thanksgiving, (walmarts closed, thank god) so i'm off :-)
then *cue scary music* BLACK FRIDAY..which is (for those not familer with the phrase) the day after thanksgiving & hence the first 'offical' shopping day...ppl are SO stupid..all going shopping on the same damn day, then have the nerve to complain bout long shopping lines & the traffic.

i think i heard on the radio something bout it snowing tonight or tomorrow...i hope everything gets snowed in..then i can just stay here at home, watching movies & being online...*sigh* the good life..

missy's still hasn't been found..my greatest fear is that she would still be alive..out there, somewhere out in the cold. although the through of her body out there, just laying out there somewhere like some road kill is pretty bad as well...my parents already tried to look, i tried alittle as well...*sigh*

*checks back on vega's site*
ALRIGHT, the new look is coming on...when i first visited, only certain sections were showing the changes, now i'm seeing more :-)
I'M included in the dedication!
*special*
*licks gold star, sticks on forehead*

quote of the day:
"This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."
- Randal
Clerks

i'm tellin you Kevin Smith (writer & director of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Stike back; as well as the man who plays Silent Bob) is a f*ckin genius! although all the use of the F word in his movies have warped my stupid little mind..

the biggest problem in my job isn't the work..it's the people..i think i must see & deal with 50-100 ppl on an average day. dealing with these ppl...i sence their..i don't know what you wanna call it..it just takes alot outta me having to be around them all. i'm just not a people-person, i told them THAT when i applied for this job..now i'm stuck.

remember i told you how i created this letter explaining why i wanted to quit & all? well i never did give it to sally..i had plenty of chances to safely lay it on her desk while she was away, but i always chicken out...i hate myself for that.

now look what YOU did? i started this entry out ok, now i'm pissed again, i hope you're happy..
m'kay back to looking at vega's site
- 10:27pm

2002-11-25T19:01:00.000-08:00
11-21-02

It's kinda sad, but i have no clue who I truely am..

it just kinda changes so much. makes it very confusing to be me.
I just try to identity stuff I like & don't like to make sense of it
all. But then there are the obsessions, which I can waver in & outta
of sometimes.

nuttier then a cheese log, the ppl on the kop are. Not saying i'm much better, but some of them
are seriously REALLY nuts. I feel kinda bad for going back & opening myself up to them, when i'm
not really like them. I used to be able to get along with them fine..or atleast the ppl who USED
to be on the board. But now they mostly all look really stupid or insane to me.

I'm beyond having ppl reach out to me. I shut down when they do, so there's not much point in them
trying i guess. why am i so mean?

i think i'll watch the Grinch tonight..it's not really THAT good of a movie, but it's got good
visuals & Jim Carrey atleast. I've been listening to novetry christmas song MP3s alot today.
I'm very much into the spirt now.

"If I didn't know you like I do
I'd let you into
the secret in me."

one more recomended song:
Ace of Base - Strange Ways
VERY beutiful song.

- 8:37pm

Radium Throughs

i'm sick of hearing bout Eminem
Liza & David Guest are such a sweet couple..weird but sweet
I want sugar..right NOW!
Everytime Michael's in the news, it's always negative..oh well, atleast
there IS news for a change.
I visit vega's site WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much on my days off, i swear..I just think
the next time I visit, it'd be updated, man am i pathetic.
why are so many mj fans SO stupid?
Actually now I want some pie..coconut pie! MMMmm....what flavor you want squi?

Picture of the day:

*Snap* *Break*
Michael: Opps..Uhh, can I have another one?

can't we all just have some pie?
- 8:08pm

2002-11-21T12:41:00.000-08:00
hey lookee:
click here
my site is back up. still working on getting stuff back up as we speak, but just giving ya the head's up

2002-11-20T21:37:00.000-08:00
Stop the presses!!!!

i'm not too good at works, but i suppose i gotta express something bout the current mj-situation, although gotta say Clarissa pretty much said it best.

first off, i can't say this on the kop board (which is pop-up ad infected meeting/breeding ground of obsessed-michael-jackson fans
with no much time on their hands & access to the world-wide-web) but most mj fans are just SO stupid! god sake...Maybe it's just cause there's too many of them on that damn board, but still...what's bad enough is if they have a problem with michael they just WON'T let it go...They just keep bitching & complaining over & over again..it's just like if you have some a big-ass problem with the guy, DON'T visit a board dedicated to him.

It's bad enough how the media has gone all over this little mistake, but how fans are reacting.."Oh, he's on drugs! What had happen if he would have dropped him?!? And why is that little kid so pale? And what's with his outfit? blah, blah, blah..." just shut the fuck up & find something to do with your pathetic little time!

kinda harsh huh? some of my few fellow fans who actually read this thing could call me a hipocrite, and maybe i am..or maybe i've changed.

Well the situation is...I saw the pictures & the video..Michael was entertaining his fans cheering outside his hotel..which he does alot. So he brings out his new little baby, hangs the baby over the balocony by one arm..Not too smart, true. But jesus-christ...he only does this for like 2 or 3 seconds!

Today at work i heard the ppl at table next to me bitching about this..
"What drugs is HE on?"one asks..
"He skin looks whiter..Oh yes, but he CLAIMS to have a skin disorder."
a girl sitting across from me was listening to them as well as i was, while flipping through the pages of my Clara Bow bio i was rereading..I didn't say nothing but rowed my eyes far up into my forehead when they started talking about him taking oxegen & such..

it's not so much that the media & public makes jokes about him & treats him like he's worse then Hitler..it's just they do NOTHING but this..they can't leave the guy alone..everything he does is wrong or weird, anything he does that is remotely normal is just a 'publicity stunt' to make him 'appear' normal all in a vain attempt to sell more albums..

Maybe i just read too many article on the guy...like 99.9% of them are all negative..
i guess it's over..ya can't be popular if ya ain't normal.

the worse thing about this all is...i just know that if say Madonna would have done this..no one would give a fuck. They'd be one little picture on page 60 of a tabloid magazine with the caption: "Woooo...Better Be Careful Madonna!" ha-ha-ha...
But alcourse with Michael 'PURE EVIL' Jackson, it's the worse crime of the century.

yeah normally i don't vent about this, but i'm kinda mad enough at the world to do so...I'm not overacting either..turn on the news, see what they'll bitching bout...the world just sucks n that's all that's to it..

*sigh*

back to stupid reality.
i made a note to give to Sally (forget her offical title, but she's like the person who hired me & does other junk at work) it's about how & why I wanna quit the job & that i will be giving my two weeks notice. Two days have passed & i still haven't given it to her..i'm such a chicken-sh*t..i ain't kiddin.

i put up christmas lights in my room..not for the season, just cause i like lights. Those & the ones for my fish are the only source of light in this room. it'd be a really cool room if i'd could just keep it clean.

i have no clue what is going on with my family much...cept my sister may be getting back together with her old boyfriend, whom we call 'John #2' (we call him number 2, cause she has another John as a boyfriend just before him). He used to be a drug dealer (my sister knows how to pick them huh?) but appearently he's been though rehab & is fine now. (riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigt) My mom, dad & aunt are real happy this may happen cause they like this guy..I think she should just find someone new.

it's cold right now...everyone's asleep cept me & the heat is turned down.

picture of the day:

Clara Bow in Wings

i love clara..

Men: Duhhhhhhhh...Shiny AirPlane...purty!
Clara: *sigh* Stupid men...

oh ONE last one.. please?

i bid you goodnight..
- 12:31pm

2002-11-18T18:39:00.000-08:00
im alone yet again..just that crazed alone-by-myself mood yet again, which unfortunely happens on most of my days off..

i wish there were some sane chat rooms out there or if someone would IM me.

i'm completely outta inspiration, or whatever the hell ya wanna call it, for this site's look...actually i'm not in a mood to work on it either so don't be surpised if it's replaced with some stupid page telling you to come back later...i'm a crappy website owner, what can i say? my moods are just not suited for them.

i need help
- 9:33pm

2002-11-18T17:05:00.000-08:00
my webcam thing is messed up..but i wanted to show my short staighten hair, so i had to take pictures with the diginal cam (without knowing how they'd turn out) n you know what? i look REALLY bad..i aint' kiddin, also i look really miserble, i just have a constant pissed-off angry look on my face..it's pretty bad.
but anyways here's my short hair:

i'll probably dye it tonight so it's blonder (i hate having it brown) and dye it that red color if i ever get to quit my job.

tee-hee
two gold stars today..
i'm kinda tired now...

my sister's boyfriend was appearently cheating on her, cause she got a treatable VD from him...loser rat boy (rat boy's my name for him) she had her apartment's lock changed & moved all his stuff to storage..but she'll take him back...she ALWAYS does...i've seen this happening over & over & over again..it's just pathetic...who needs stupid relationships anyways?

i'm looking forward to christmas...lots of nice stuff with the holiday, cookies, music (dont' ask why but for some reason i LOVE christmas music), getting & receiving gifts...Hmmmm...it's probably not as fun as it was when i was a kid, but atleast when you got a kid to buy presents for it's fun :-)

if i quit soon, i don't wanna find another job til after new years, cause i WANT some time off & i don't wanna be working on christmas or new years, (cause a newly hired employee wouldn't get those days off anyways)...eventhrough my parents DEMAND i have a new job fore i quit...jesus, can't i have ANY fun?

i'm so bad..
- 7:59pm

2002-11-18T10:42:00.000-08:00
My sister and insurence

just today my sister IMed me, saying bout her loser boyfriend again not coming home last night after his 4th night at the bar. She also asked if mom n dad were still mad at her, which i didn't know what she was talking about.

So i asked my mom bout it..she had today off too (since her knee got sprained, she's not working as much) here's how the story goes:

the accident.
now there are several weird things about the accident..one of them was the timing. At this time, my car was having problems, so for 2 or 3 days I took my mom's car to work. On the day when she had to go back to work, i took this car we were buying from my sister to use a 'back-up' for our other cars. My parents were paying my sister $500 for the car (it wasn't in the best shape...some problems) and had already paid her $250. After the accident, my sister said "I'm just thankful that Sara's alright...blah, blah, blah...don't worry bout the other $250." right

the insurence:
the problem with the insurence resulted from the fact that the car i was driving was still under my sister's name. But we managed to get a good settlement. We got $600 from the car (which was wrecked beyond repair) which we alcourse handed over to my sister. Her insurence would go up $300 each year for 3 years, so basically the $600 would cover most of that.

But:
She had said to my dad that she WANTS that other $300 from me. Now keep something in mind here..My sister is 24, i am 19, my sister went to beauty school & now has a career in this, along with a new wellpaying job, her own apartment, and she just bought a new car. I am living at home, working at walmarts (hopefully not for too long), I have no real education beyond high school. Yes, i'm the reject of the family, but i've never caused much trouble, beyond this accident.

I know the accident does take her outta some money, but compared to us (me, my mom n dad) she's RICH!

i'm glad my mom n dad are atleast on my side with this..they didn't even really tell me about it, they kept it away from me. right now i'm alittle mad at her, although if i had the money on me, i WOULD pay her the $300..

she just dropped by the house for visit, good thing i was able to grab a 24 oz bottle of diet soda n run up to my room fore she got to the door, cause i'm not coming out..i'm not gonna face her.

my cat Missy's in the room with me..asleep in her box. Her cold has gotten worse with the upcoming winter weather, my mom n i have to clean off her eyes n nose regularly just so she can breath...her vision n hearing are also quit bad & some of her fur is in clumps..poor girl. she's lived some a long life through..17 yrs..long time for a cat. I've grown to hope for a peaceful death in her sleep, cause i dont' want her suffering.

my one fishy died the other morning too...
my angel/fairy thing got a wing broken, but it glued back on pretty good.
i need to go out today to get food n book at the library to read at work.

i try to be a good girl. i used to try harder, i used to be set to my own rules, get up early, make the bed, go to school, come home, exercise. i'm not so good now, i'm sloppy n insane, but i'm not really a bad person really...i'm selfish sometimes through, cause someone's gotta look out for me..
- 1:36pm

2002-11-18T08:35:00.000-08:00
Some misc songs i recomend

some you may have heard..possiblily some you haven't, all i'm asking is for the latter, to give a try

Fleetwood Mac - I Want To Be With You Everywhere
Nightmare Before Christmas Soundtract - Sally's Song
Elvis Costello - Veronica
mono - silicone
David Lanz - Christophori's Dream
madonna - til death do us part
carly simon - coming around again

- 11:28am

2002-11-17T18:59:00.000-08:00
whether you believe me or not i did make an diary entry this morning...just it never showed up :-(

i also was bout half way through with an entry couple of minutes ago, then when i went down to check on the sugar cookies baking, came back, goddamn internet disconnected on me! >:-C

i still feel bad now, i'll feel better after i quit...also i'm pissed off at the rude costumer of the day, but got no one to bitch about that to....already told my parents, they didn't seem to care too much, but atleast they'll gonna let me find some other job.

mostly i'm just feeling MAD...not sad...well little sad too, but very MAD...wait, hell i'm always sad.

*sigh*

when you're alone..and it's cold inside
think my mj-obsession is back somewhat...it felt that way when i bought a magazine at sam goodie yesturday just BECAUSE there was an article on him there..

i deserve to be punished more, but not on the arms..i hate long sleave shirts, i have to push them up at work anyways..i was lucky only 2 ppl made "cat claw" comments at me..i can probably do it on the upper arms, the area you can't see under a t-shirt.

*sigh again*
there's really no one i can get rid of these feelings i have..nor can i deal with them.
i can't help being this way...really i CAN'T!
look, i know it's my fault, but i'm just a stupid little girl, i can't do all of this by myself!

i think i am deslextic..however you spell it...i keep getting numbers mixed at work..god i hate work, i mean i really, REALLY hate it. i hate all the ppl...all the stupid bitchy snobby ppl buying all everything in the whole goddamn store.

no one's gonna hear me..no ones gonna talk...even if they did, ya know you couldn't talk back stupid little girl

quote of the day:
"I think I need a hug."
- Donkey
Skrek
- 9:53pm

2002-11-16T17:26:00.000-08:00
i wish i could just hit bottom n bounce already...but then i'd probably come back down again..this is NEVER gonna end is it? no it ain't...i'll admit it wasn't as bad as when i was like...13 or 14 when i woke up each day hoping to die,but just the fact that it's lasted so damn long.

2002-11-16T17:20:00.000-08:00
little better now

physical pain takes your mind away from mental pain nicely

2002-11-16T16:51:00.000-08:00
get away from here...run, run as far as you can get n never look back..

everyne just leave me alone

2002-11-16T16:50:00.000-08:00
i wonder if it's possible to trade places with someone else..i don't know, just like put my brain in somone else' body..
nahh...that wouldwouldn't work out..i would need a new 'good' brain, to start over with..but then it wouldn't be 'ME' then i guess.,,,

why areyou still reading this? go away!!! there's nothin to see here

2002-11-16T16:43:00.000-08:00
blah, blah,blah..again

there really isn't anyone out there, is there?
hello...?
nope, didn't think so..

it's sad...how i keep going back to this fantasy life in my head..it's getting so nuts that i was talking outloud alot yesturday...man i'm messed-up...

a rare gold star for my dad today, he said he'd get me this refund..ya see i bought this stereo from the Sam Goodie store, i thought it could play mp3 cds..it couldn't..i wanted to return it for a refund..but the lady there said once it's open, they don't normally do that..so basically when i told my dad bout that, (he LOVES argueing with ppl n getting his way) he said he was gonna get that refund for me..guess he's good for something right? ain't i mean?

this christmas season's gonna be INSANE for me...i could already see it today at walmarts. And supposely 'black friday' (day after thanksgiving aka first 'offical' christmas shopping day) is suppose to be a NIGHTMARE..but really, why are ppl so STUPID that they'd all go shopping on the same damn day?! really. Maybe they all have some kinda fetish where they like being around alot of angry pissed off ppl..i don't know..

dum-dum-dum...
i got some parts of my website up again..i still kinda hate it through. course you could ask, "why would you create a site if you hate it?" i honestly don't know...usually when i have it up for a day or two, i'm ok with it, then i just get sick of it.

empty....empty...empty
i'm finding myelf singing to myself (in my head thank god) alot too...i either sing, hum or talk to myself WAY too much..i just do that cause no one is talkin to me..n even if someone would, i wouldn't be able to talk back anyways.

hate-hate-hate
i hate this entry
- 7:37pm

2002-11-15T18:41:00.000-08:00
test for new look..

2002-11-15T18:15:00.000-08:00
To survive as a MJ fan, you have to have a sense of humor..

some ppl on the halloween board i visit, where making fun of Michael Jackson alittle bit..saying that at the end of Halloween 8, Michael (Myer)'s melted mask looks like Michael (Jackson). one person even came up with this little graphic:

funny or cruel?
heck, i laughed at it...but i did try to defend him alittle bit

"lol actually when i was watching the end of that movie & Michael (Myers) is laying in the bodybag, with the mask exposed, i felt like saying outloud "Hey, under the mask it was Michael Jackson!" but didn't...eventhrough everyone else in theater was cracking jokes throughout the movie

although...don't kill me for saying this..i am actually a BIG michael jackson fan...sure i know he looks...well..hey no ones perfect..but i like him anyways."

that's the best i could do without these ppl making fun of me...actually who cares if they make fun of me? stupid horror flick fans with nothing better to do..

it's a shame everyone feels a need to make fun of the poor guy...some can say he 'asks for it', showing up, looking like he does...heck it's not all his fault, but i suppose it wouldn't kill him NOT to show up in court wearing a bandage bout to fall off his nose & those god-awful weaves or wigs or whatever..

jeeze, aren't i a hipocrite? *nods at above paragraph*

kill me, but i LOVE this guy..he's nuts, funny & a mystery...and he makes music too...did ya forget that?
decides..you're no prized pig yourself ya know?
- 9:07pm

2002-11-14T17:33:00.000-08:00
blah, dude where's my brain?

i so fuckin hate ezboard...honestly it takes a solid minute waiting for pages to load on their message board cause of all the goddamn pop-up ads...there is finally michael jackson news out, he's being sued..more trial junk..blah, blah..yesturday (or maybe it was the day before) i was flipping through channels, when i came across CNN or some news program, stopped to see something that looked interesting, then their NEXT story was bout mj..talk bout luck..actually mj-fans develop a strange 6th sense for that kinda thang..

let's see..what happened today? i got a paper cut from a 10 dollar bill on my wrist..somone paid for pictures up at the register & asked me to throw away some she didnt want. i did...then got them outta the trash to look at. nothing too interesting, but i like going into other ppl's lifes. i also saw this older woman who was balding quite badly..that's bout it.

my eyes hurt..
my bed is falling apart...i can't move without it making alot of noise.
i'm gonna watch the rest of friday the 13th part 5 later on tonight..was watching it little bit this morning
if i was a millionare, i'd buy Autumn all the toys she wanted.
i live a fantasy life in my head...i always have...the plots n my chacacter changes from time to time...i wish i could excape from doing that, but it's just become a way of life for me
Santa works at my walmarts....really there's a guy who looks JUST like him..everyone says that to him, but it is real cute seeing the kids react to him.
kids are great, but i'd make a real lousy mother...
or a real lousy wife as well
come to think of it, i'd be a real lousy ANYTHING..so my best advice is to just keep as far away from me as possible, cause i'm nothing but trouble..
actually that's not true..i'm not trouble, i'm simple nothing.

if i would just come right now n say i'm the most horrible piece of garbage in the universe, are things gonna get any better? will someone come up to me n say "Oh no, that's not true Sara." nope-nope..

i like my new webhost alot so far...i mean i signed up with them yesturday, but the afternoon, my account was up & by morning, my domain was working :-)

i'm bored of this writing..
- 8:26pm

2002-11-12T11:31:00.001-08:00
www.grudgeworld.com

got a surpise for any regular vistors...finally got things staighten out yesturday, got a new host & a new domain name.
i don't have the site up yet, but i'm gonna try to make it real special when i finally do..til then, here's a peek:
www.grudgeworld.com

2002-11-12T11:31:00.000-08:00
...

2002-11-12T11:30:00.000-08:00
Just proving i'm not the only GOTHHIPPI out there

i give you Chop Top (aka Platehead) from texas chainsaw massacre 2

Chop Top: "No but yeh but wuh: this is Radio-land right it's like infinite-eternal the waves in the ether-fuzz go on forever RRROOOWWWRRR! Can't close that. Hi. I know what you're thinking: this is weird but I can handle it, hanh? What's this do? Y'knowI never been in a radio station, cound you do me a tour, hanh? Y'know you're my fave, me and Bubba, my little brother, listen
to you every night. Music is my life..."

and alittle image from jason x:

- 2:24pm

2002-11-12T11:07:00.000-08:00
.

i guess it has been over a week then..since i wrote in here. you must have this diary section bookmarked, cause my goddamn site is YET AGAIN down...

so in combination of that, the trouble of finding another host, n my growing frustrating with myself n everything attacted to it. at this point, i just wanna stop. go completely in my shell n not come out til...well i don't know.

like i said before, sometimes ya gotta hit rock bottom fore you bounce back up.

i wish my room would be clean...i wish it'd be completely clean n organised..i wish the same of rest of my life. butwhat is my life anyways? around halloween, i remembered how it was extactly a year ago. buying invincible at walmarts, putting up halloween decoractions, jogging in the cold evening around the neighborhood, while listening to that album..seeing the christmas lights (this is fast forwarding past late oct.) my feelings n mood at this time. i wish i could go back n have those same moods, eventhrough at that time, i still felt i was insane.

i want freedom, but that's what i wanted back then as well..now i'm in a different prison. it's funny now..i have a job, car, some money..i pump my own gas, i buy my own food....damn i hate my life. i hate being an adult. i want out.

hmmm...i've come to realise that most (if not all) of my problems are my fault alcourse..i'm snuck at a job i hate cause i don't have the guts to quit. i have no friends, cause i can't talk to ppl, i don't make friends, cause i don't respond back to anyone who is nice to me. i'm nuts, i'm insane...but in the end i just wanna some attention ya know? i just wanted someone saying they care. someone to take care OF me i guess..

i pull myself down n down n down....well i wrote something many moons ago that explains how it is..

Depression is like..
a dark sea,
dark from being so dirty and poluted
You've standing in it and calling out for "help!"
The people say u are in low waters,
and could "Help Yourself"
IF you weren't as Shallow as the water u wade in
You go out farther,
The waves come crashing against your neck,
u can't get out and the situation appears worst and WORST,
*NO hope*
*NO way of getting out*
*NO future, THIS is it*
you're drowning
and call out for help, AGAIN
people still say u can come back on shore anytime u like,
but it doesn't seem that way to YOU
the waves crash over your head
the pain, it seems will never END
u let the water bury yourself
with the slightist hope that
THIS will make someone save u

sometimes they do, sometimes they don't
or u might actually float to the top,
take a breath of fresh air,
and swim back to shore...

took me awhile to find that text, cause i wrote it like 2 years ago...then i later posted it on my old scream message board in a topic
where i'm just bitching bout being depressed (here )

yeah i'm sure the sadness thing is all in my head...but that fact is that i LIVE life in my head....hard to explain, but just imagine somene always staring off into space..never saying a word...that's me in a nutshell *Austin Powers Voice* "Help, i'm in a nutshell, how did I get into this nutshell?"

i feel alittle better now...maybe someone out there with no much internet time on their hands is hearing me..probably not caring much, but listening anyways.

- 2:01pm

2002-11-04T20:17:00.000-08:00
outta here

*hiccup*

i just spend atleast 4 hours staight playing the SIMs game, ain't that insane? actually i'm not normally too 'into' the game, but this morning i finally figured out how to get the cheat code to work for giving them all the money they want. So i've just been living vicausely (me can't spell...living via them) throught the sims ppl...dressing them in gothic cloths, building them mansions with pools, hottubs, gardens, dancing rooms, the whole works..

the halloween stuff was all put anyway... :-( drat! i didn't even get a chance to photograph all the INDOOR stuff we had...also my webcam is acting all screwy, otherwise i would have shown you my short hair by now. I like it..it's pretty easy to staighten n i don't even mind leaving it down when i'm at home.

MMMMmmmm...what else.....bought my parents dvd player...for christmas...n...autumn this cotton candy maker toy she wanted...probably buy her more stuff tomorrow...go to toys-r-us...fun...me like toys....hee-hee...

*sigh* gonna go watch the stuff i recorded yesturday night on tv..lots of good stuff, i still have macolm in the middle, anna nicole show & some of adult swim cartoons to watch...supercool!

i have my own little catchphrases...actually they'll not really catchphrase, they'll just stuff i say alot...well in my head, when i'm talking to myself. here's most of them:

supercool! - something is good
crappy-crap-crap - something is bad, also see Doh!
yep-yep - yes
Good LORD! (said in a southern accent) - no clue..i actually say it outloud when i'm bored or frustrated at times..i think it's my Southern Belle personallity trying to get out
"Pain, pain, I know your name" - little rhyme i say to myself whenever in physical pain

there's more too...ya see how annoying it gets being around ME all day?

one other wierd little thing..last week coming up the stairs i walked staight into this wooden dresser thing (to my credit it WAS dark, no lights, n i had moved it outside my room & forgot), STAIGHT into it...like *BAM*...when i knocked my head into it I just got alittle flashback to the accident..kinda scary...i'm starting to think i DID bump my head then..i didn't remember when they asked me before..

doh..
- 11:11pm

2002-11-02T11:59:00.000-08:00
Home

well i'm at home now, actually have been for awhile. my stomach hurt all morning, so evently i got up the guts to ask to go home. This is actually the 3rd time i've had to do this. n like the other times, i started feeling better as soon as i was going home. And now I feel fine. i wish i could get fired or something..

I had a weird dream last night...another one of those sex dreams..this one i will tell you bout. (i know i didn't the last time, actually i myself can't even remember that one anymore)
see i'm at my house, there are these two guys..umm..i guess killers out there. One seems to be dressed up like that witch in our halloween decoractions. I excaped & was running out in the field towards the woods, when the one got me..threw some kinda thing at me, got me in the head.
So then the guy seemed to be about to kill me, when i offered to be his sex slave (or whatever you wanna call it) if he let me live. Then the other guy came around. i forget the rest.

Last week when i was out with my parents at the food store, this guy (outta the blue) comes up to me & hands me this magazine or whatever it is..I say "What is it?" he just says "You might like it." weird..so i come back to the cart. I'm tellin her bout this & go to grab something, when the guy comes back & puts a post-it on the magazine that says "Any questions or anything *email address*" lol weird huh? i'm still wondering if i should email this dude, just for the hell of it. I looked through the thing he gave me & it was advertising some type of club or dj event..

last night my mom comes up to my room to ask me to 'rewind the DVDs cause they have to go back tomorrow." LOL my poor mom..i just try to explain to her that their JUST like CDs..lol cute

also last week i saw the PERFECT t-shirt for Michael Jackson at Hot Topic..it was black with white writing saying "Chicks dig scrawny pale guys." lol...he'd probably fail to see the humor in that i suppose.

i just love how i mostly just talk about fictional characters or ppl i don't even know in here.. :-b

stupid customers of the day:
after i scan her item she asks me to add money onto her walmarts gift card.
"How much?" i ask
"However much the items cost."
but then her bill would be double what it was...
no she says, she wants to add money to the gift card then USE it to pay for her stuff..
I had to get a CSM (they'll like the support ppl for cashiers) to try to explain to the woman how that doesn't work...
The woman STILL didnt' get it...look it AIN'T a freakin credit card lady! face it, you ARE gonna have to pay for your items.

i'm bored of this entry
- 2:54pm

2002-11-01T18:16:00.000-08:00
Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone!!!....er a day late..actually i was busy most of yesturday with preparing stuff n all. plus now my goddamn site is down..f*ckin server...grrrr...

*look back on happily insane..updates every 5 seconds my ass..my computer doesn't like me at tall..either that or vega is staying PERFECTLY still..like her shirt anyways*

m'kay back on halloween, it was really good, we got a good # of kids (well for us anyways..was bout 20) & i scared abunch of them GOOD...heh-heh-heh. We had abunch of new ppl, so they weren't expecting me to come rushing out at them. Plus this year, i just sat still (i was dressed up as jason, as i always do, btw) til my mom started giving them candy, then i jumped up, started screaming, turned on my (fake, alcourse) chainsaw & ran at them.

Now the first ppl who showed up, were 6 girls with some parents. I scared them GOOD..made them scream. TWICE! >:-D n then the next ppl that showed up, this little boy through i WAS just a stuffed dummy & started coming towards me saying "I gotta see this." when i jumped up & ran towards him.

So yeah, it was fun. As a tradition for our family on halloween (a weird tradition, but one neverless) we were also dancing to village people music while waiting for ppl. My sister (dressed in blond wig & fake boobs) n her friend (dressed in some of her 'pimp') costume were also around, and then later on my aunt & cousin came by.

Autumn's SO sweet...she was dressed as a dog. She's just...real wild, but alot of fun. now here's alittle story. my aunt said this girl at school was sticking her tongue out at autumn, n when the teacher spoke to autumn bout this, she just said "I'll give her one of these." *raising a fist* LOL...quite a devil ain't she? she learned that from her daddy unfortunely, sometimes she does like fighting.

Now here's another thing...Autumn comes outta the car saying "I saw 2 Michael Myers." *while trick or treating*
lol I taught her the names of the horror movie characters before..using my horor movie t-shirt (ya know the one that got torn cause of the accident?) Actually I ever got her afraid of chucky by letting her watch Child's Play once when i was sleeping over at their house. yep-yep, tramatising little kids..that's my job. :-b And whenever she hears the Halloween theme, she knows which movie it's from & will say (according to my aunt) "That's Halloween, Michael Myers, I watched it with Sara." lol i really do love this kid to death.

oh yes, one more thing, i wanted to plug Dead's (that's the guy i met in the chat room that didn't try to cyber me remember?)
website...or actually webpage i guess (get working man, you're now gonna have my vistors coming there..*evil laugh*) either way he does have some cool pics up so far.
com'n get his 'hitometer' up! :-)

someone tell me when the making of ghosts is on!
- 9:11pm

2002-10-30T15:19:00.000-08:00
Sims World

i managed to buy an used copy of house party yesturday. so new stuff to play around with.

One of the houses is the Myers House..Basically i put a Michael Myers sim in here & a business-suit wearing girl i'm gonna pass off as his sister, Laurie Strode. Laurie works, while Michael....well he doesn't do squat really. Cept whenever someone annoying drops by & build a fence around them so they can starve to death..hee-hee.

Neighbor Star drops by...and teases Michael with her puppet til he starts to cry

She even drives Laurie to tears.

Guess what happened to her next?

But Michael did get to have some chatting with Lisa Loser

And Michael Jackson from cross the street

Night comes, Star is still stuck in her fenced prison, she is now beginning to require sleep

I also created a kinda stripper house in the neighborhood, There are 2 females, Queen & Mistress Pain along with
Michael Jackson's evil twin brother..lol

Just after trying the dancing cage before I sold it

They've just hired a topless dancer!

and now a male stripper in a cake

fun is had by all at the Stripper family house

This is just the home of Moonshine Voorhees, she's a very classy lady who enjoys painting & fine art.

who needs the real world anyways?
- 6:14pm

2002-10-30T04:26:00.000-08:00
It's raining, it's pouring..

i was real depressed last night, so much, that one of the characters in my head just crawled the corner & cried there...even his friends couldn't reach. And then when the WRONG person called him a 'baby' he punched the dude, the collapsed back to his area.

i see no point in decoracting for halloween..despite the fact that it's tomorrow..it's probably gonna rain anyways, & not many ppl actually come down..Hmmpt..

wow clarrisa's seeing a psychologist! don't she know the best theapy is wollowing in self pity online? i'd be afraid to see a psychologist (we'll i'd never have money to do that, so no problem there) i'd be afraid to tell all my secrets...my little mj-obsession, i'd be embarressed to talk bout....desides i already know i'm nuts & i know most of the reasons why that is. The problem is i don't care enough bout my self to fix the problems. That & sometimes in order to get better, you just have to hit rock bottom & bouce...that's about the only way it works with me.

yet another survey stolden from http://www.demerol.de/

Three people you think to be a genius:
1. Matt Groening
2. Tim Burton
3. Kevin Smith

Three things that were invented and that you think to be cool:
1. tv
2. computers
3. dvds

Three things you played with most when you were a child:
1. barbies
2. legos
3. cats

Three words you often use:
1. no
2. damn
3. hello/have a nice day

Three sounds you find disturbing:
1. banging of pots & pans (listen to the music in Texas Chainsaw Massacre to know what i'm talkin bout)
2. animal in pain
3. child whinning

Three hurting experiences:
1. stomach pains before operations
2. being isolated in school
3. going insane from being at home by myself too much

Three things you'd never do:
1. i
2. don't
3. know

Three charities you'd donate to:
anything for kids or animals

Three things you'd forbid your kids to do:
1. conform
2. kill
3. make fun of ppl (well too much i mean)

Three things you wish you hadn't done:
1. be friends with that bitch...
2. thrown away mj-stuff back in 99'
3. being stupid

Three things you're thankful for:
1. health
2. family
3. computer

If you had the talent to, what would you do?
act, sing, be famous

Would you like to be of another race?
yeah, white ppl look so boring..

Would you like to be of another religious group?
i don't wanna be part of ANY religious group

Would you like to be of the opposite sex?
nah, being a guy would be gross..

Somebody's diary you'd like to read:
Michael Jackson

Somebody you'd like to come to your funeral:
a long lost friend

i'm off
- 7:20am

2002-10-29T16:08:00.000-08:00
Empty

empty empty girl...la-la-la
without a throught or a care
in her brain or her hair
dragging her feet through life
without any reason or a fight

la-la-la
empty girl
livin in her own little world
what a twit, what a bore...
too quiet to talk to
too stupid to ignore.

la-la-la
empty girl
on the computer,
on the floor
don't put up a fuss
do your job
collect some dust.

hey it just took couple of minutes ok?
someone tell Sara, i'm gonna bash her brains in if she doesn't get everything done tomorrow...
- 7:02pm

2002-10-29T08:32:00.000-08:00
Oh dear

well i'm back from the insurence place,all in all this situation doesn't seem too bad..i won't get into the details cause it's really complicated & i don't even understand half of it...the grownup world is scary.

my halloween vacation is half way over. i guess one good thing is i'll probably (as insane as it sounds) be happy to go back to work..well not really happy, but glad to get outta the house. too long around here & i'm going insane & stuffing food in my mouth every second. If i actually had a job i liked or didn't hate atleast, i suppose it wouldn't be so bad..

guess i'll go out today..if for nothing else, to get some food. i'm craving some cookies esp. Maybe i'll go to the mall too...look round, buy nothing or be brave enough to squeeze out couple of bucks for something that might give me some slight sense of joy, depite the fact that i'll be regretting it later on..Either that or i can start christmas shopping. That is quite fun & lets me spend money without much guilt. Hmm...

buh bye for now.
- 11:27am

2002-10-28T20:26:00.000-08:00
Cheer Up Vega :-)

i'm just checking out the sites one last time fore i go to sleep...have to go to that insurence place tomorrow early reguarding the accident..damn.

i see vega's changing her site's look again (new record, last look only lasted a week..although that one madonna look only lasted couple of days or so) looks pretty cool so far, although most of the frames are still in the old look or aren't loading for me.

vega's unhappy..sorry girl. well she says she has everything good & asked "what's wrong?" my uneducated guess is something is missing..what that is, i have no clue, cause i'm a lousy stalker. (heck i haven't even figured out her last name or street adress yet..ya guys wanna help me, Clarissa, Squ? heh-heh ;-))

well depression ain't so bad...hell i've been depressed forever & i'm fin...well i'm not the best example. But look at ppl like...er...ya know those CREATIVE ppl..they've used their emotions towards creating..stuff....look what do you want from me? it's late at night. Well i'm not too good at this. i tried anyways, cause i know that some caring words can sometimes make a different..atleast for me they do. But i'm not good at words either so....
sooooooooo....good night then,
here's pointless stupid entry in the diary # 4 for today
- 11:15pm (i think i finally figured out the correct hour)

quote/animation of the day:
Jamie: Now, I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take. God bless Mr. and Mrs. Countherrs, god bless Rachel, God Bless Sundae, god bless me, and god bless mommy and daddy in heaven. Amen.

(The closet door swings open, she walks over to it and opens it all the way. One of her dolls is lying on the floor. She picks it up and puts it back. She hears a noise but dismisses it. She closes the door and walks back to her bed. The closet door opens again, and as she turns to close it a hand reaches out from under her bed, grabs her, she falls to the floor, and crawls away while a figure can be seen standing up. A flash of lightning revels a man in a white mask. She runs to her door and as she opens it the man is in front of it. The scene changes to her foster parents running and screaming her name. They find her in her bedroom closet-having a nightmare.)
- Halloween 4

2002-10-28T15:51:00.000-08:00
Self Pity

i am so so bad, i am so so bad, no one likes me, you are bad, i hate you

2002-10-28T15:07:00.000-08:00
going insane again

well i did get two gold stars today atleast. Clarissa mentioned me & vega made me a short 'ownz picture' video. ain't that sweet of her? i need those gold stars, i was just bout to think i was going invinsible again.

Day 2 of vacation, i've watched most of the movies, but have not processed much at all on cleaning or organising my room, i also haven't even started on the jack-o-lanterns. i'm too depressed right now to do stuff.

video reviews:

Halloween H2O dvd: where the F*CK is the freakin audio comentary?!? fuckin Dimension...
Shallow Hal: funny & sweet too. me liked :-)
Not Another Teen Movie: bout what you'd would expect. parodies everywhere & slights & gags meant to shock or disguise you. all & all, pretty funny but little too long, i have a short attention span
Vanilla Sky quite confusing but entertaining. good music, also abit too long. I actually wanted to see Tom Cruise's character get a bad ending...i just can't stand those ppl who are rich without even earning it..Penelope was just TOO perfect..miss know-it-all with her accent & perfect eyes and...GRRrrr....sorry i'm used to seeing nice looking ppl getting slaughtered by zombie killers in masks in movies..actually i did like Tom's mask in this movie..he's not THAT deformed through...jeeze, why was he making such a big freakin deal!

I worked as a exit greeter for most of the day saturday at work. It's a stupid job..quite pointless really, but i was kept busy, bring in carts & wipping off the rain & helping the door greeting pull out carts for the custormers.

The main point of my job is to stop ppl when the alarm goes off. (& it does, several times a day) i bring them back in, find out which thing wasn't deactivated, deactivate it, write down the info (which register they were at, the ucp code, ect.) all while trying to keep the
customer not pissed off at me for doing my stupid little job.

It's just rather pointless because if i can't find anything in their bags that made the alarm go off, I'm just suppose to write it off as a 'mistake' in the info paper. So someone could just cram a dvd in their pocket & when the machine would go off, i'd just have to let them go, cause they wouldn't allow us to actually SEARCH them..hell no, we can't make the customers mad, now can we?

the world is just f*cked up completely....don't try to put on a happy face & pretend it ain't, cause it IS & always will be..
n i'm too lazy n depressed to do nothing bout it. nor could i anyways.
i'm not really meant to be here, i shouldn't be here, i can't be a real human being, i can't be like that

survey time

MORALS

1. Something you've done that's forbidden and that even your friends would be surprised about:
stealing

2. You shouldn't marry until you're at the age of:
18?

3. You shouldn't have kids until you're at the age of:
19 or 20

4. The right age to have sex for the first time:
17 or after

5. The first time you had sex at the age of:
haven't

6. Your last lie:
mmm...forget

7. If you have a meeting and are too late you
A) tell a lie.
B) tell the truth.
depends really

8. A lie you try to convince yourself about:
i'm normal

9. Somebody you killed on your mind:
i've mostly just beaten ppl up, haven't gone as far as killing them

10. Somebody you'd kill if killing was allowed:
allowed? "Hey good news everyone, killing is now LEGAL..That's right, you don't go to jail or even to hell! So from now I guess we'll just have to be more caref...AHHH!!!" *someone kills him mid-sentence*

11. Something you're addicted to:
diet soda, sugar, my many obessions

12. Drugs or alcohol you regularly take/drink:
caffine, sleeping pills

13. If there were no side effects, what would you like to be addicted to?
something to make everything seem alright or happy

14. Drugs you've ever tried and would like to try or would never take again:
uhhhh...come again?

15. Is beating kids to educate them okay?
up to the parents, i wouldn't recomend it unless my offspring was pure evil or something

16. Have you ever beat a man/woman? If yes, why?
no..well maybe alittle on my sister

17. Have you ever been arrested? If so, why?
no

18. Have you ever secretly read anybody's diary?
yeah my sister's

19. How would you react if your boy-/girlfriend was unfaithful to you?
feel hurt, then angry, VERY angry, i'd kick the bum out then plot some kind of revenge

20. Have you ever been unfaithful to your partner?
i've never had a 'partner'

21. A situation in which you've hurt a person's feelings on purpose:
in school, when we were all younger & everyone teased certain kids...i regret it through

22. A situation in which you've accidentally hurt a person's feelings:
when i told my sister i throught the gift she made was ugly...*sigh* sorry

Now another section:

GOD AND THE WORLD

1. Do you believe in God?
not really

2. Describe God:
someone we like to imagine as being a 'parent' figure up above. He's better then us & will reward or punish us based on our actions

3. Of what confession were you when you grew up?
confession? i was never religous or went to church or anything

4. Do you practice this confession?
i practice nothing

5. Your most spiritual moment:
when i was laying on the floor in pain, screaming to god to "MAKE THE PAIN STOP."

6. Last time you went to church:
i think my one cousin's wedding might have been at a church...bout...3 years ago

7. Death is:
dieing...brain shuts down, n there's nothing else. you don't even know you're dead, cause you're brains not there
to think that throught.

8. That's what you imagine the end of the world will be like:
the sky is a weird color & there's just a couple of ppl left...they die then, one by one. til no one's left

9. God has spoken to you? If yes, what did God say?
you suck....hee-hee, nah

10. Do you think that most wars have religious reasons?
probably, i don't know..i don't pay attention to world events

11. Is there life on other planets?
has to be

12. Have aliens tried to contact us?
maybe

13. Do you think Adam and Eva were the first humans?
that makes no sense

14. Do you believe in the theory of evolution?
it's possible...but what are humans gonna to evolve into?

15. Do you believe in astrology?
sure

16. Do you regularly read your horoscope? If yes, why?
not anymore, nothing happens in my life anyways

17. Do you believe in reincarnation?
i think it's very possible

18. If there's reincarnation, who or what would you like to be when you come back?
human

- round 6:30pm

2002-10-28T06:52:00.000-08:00
Halloween H2O DVD

well i checked around online & asked a halloween/horror movie discussion board about it, & appearently the 'audio commentary' text/advertisement on the back of some of the DVDs was a misprint which was corrected on later DVDs. But then this one person on the board say his DVD DOES have the commentary...I'll try to screw around with the DVD more, although I think poster Dusk said it best with:
"It's on the DVD, it's an Easter Egg... from the Main Menu press DOWN four times till you highlight the "We at Dimension make money by screwing you the consumer" logo."

so that's that i suppose.
- 10 or 9:45am